Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a man for more than two-and-a-half years. He retains his own place but spends most of his time here with my two children and me. The problem is his reluctance to get married. He has been married three times, and he has a number of spiritual beliefs. Among them is the belief that if we're going to have a committed and exclusive relationship, I have to submit to him, never say "no" to him, and heed whatever recommendations that he considers in my best interest.

I want to make him happy, but I have a mind of my own and sometimes I get stubborn. I just don't like someone telling me what to do. He has been hurt so many times by women, and he says he knows what will work in a relationship and what won't. He is 20 years older than me and has done so much for my children and myself. He says I should be grateful for this, and I am! Do you think he's being too controlling?
-- In Love, But Resistant

Dear In Love,
"Spiritual beliefs"? Fuhgettaboutit. I have a pretty good idea why this guy is no longer married to any of his three previous wives. Of course, he's being too controlling. He is 20 years older than you. I would suggest this is not surprising. It sounds like a mentor/student type relationship -- with him in control -- is the only kind of relationship that he's capable of having.

You have to decide if this situation is tolerable. Dr. Lovemonkey doesn't think it's healthy or that this guy is capable of changing. If you can function in the role of his "help-mate" (read: indentured slave), you'll perhaps be able to continue this relationship. I would suggest, however, that you extricate yourself as soon as possible because it can only go downhill from here.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My husband had an affair with a woman at work for about a year. When I found out, he said it was over. The next two years were horrible. We tried counseling, but it didn't work. The trust is gone. Sometimes, things seem to be getting better, but I'm still suspicious. When I've asked him if he's having the affair again, he says no, but I don't really believe him. I just found out he's been having the affair again, with the same woman from work, for the past two-and-a-half years. Not only has he lied to my face, he's withheld the truth from me. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming and any small amount of trust that I once had is now gone.

I don't think we can recover. It was still an uphill battle from finding out about it the first time. It's the SAME woman!
-- Ann

Dear Ann,
Was there a question that I've missed here? Perhaps you were e-mailing this to the Lifetime cable station as a movie-of-the-week proposal/synopsis and accidentally sent it to me.

I assume you've determined that your marriage is hopelessly broken. I would concur. It is undeniably painful to have your trust betrayed in such a blatant and disgraceful manner. Divorce him. And if there are no children involved, get as far away from this lying clown as possible. Not all men are this reprehensible, and after time, you may be willing to try trusting someone again. Good luck.

Issue Date: December 6 - 13, 2002