Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Thanks for your column. It's great and a good way for clueless people like me to gradually gain knowledge, wisdom, or whatever it is. I am 27 years old and have never had a girlfriend. Five years ago, my last year in college, I finally began acting on crushes. My first crush decided I was "just a friend" and I eventually accepted that. My second crush told me off because I wrote something chauvinistic in an e-mail at some point, and she was a feminist. Neither of them was ever very interested in me, but I'm not upset about those experiences anymore, just glad I finally started to put myself out there.

Two years ago, I finally got the hang of meeting women. These days, I don't find it that hard to get the phone numbers of women who seem nice and get them out on a few dates. The problem is that during the first few dates, I exude an aura of innocence and purity because, well, look at my past! In addition, I strongly respect women, which I don't want to change. The point is I seem like a super nice guy who is probably interested only in long-term relationships.

I hate to say it, but this is -- at least I think it is -- not the truth! After all these years, I feel strongly that I want to "play the field" with at least three completely pressure-free, meaningless flings before even thinking about beginning a courtship that has the aura of a serious, responsible relationship. I fantasize about flings, not relationships, at least for the next two or three years.

So here's the problem: I come across as innocent and pure when I meet a woman, but all I really want is to be a player for awhile. I have started dating three times, but I backed out each time (always within three months) before the woman could really be considered my "girlfriend." Although I wanted to have sex with them, I had a fear of implying that they were long-term relationship material. I always thought something serious was a possibility, but I didn't fall head over heels for any of them. I'm obviously troubled and in some respect a loser at this point. What should I do?
-- P.

Dear P.,
You're not a loser, but it does sound like you've had a little too much to think. There are plenty of women in your age range that share your mindset -- looking for a good time and not necessarily interested in getting involved in a serious and committed relationship. You just need to be a little cannier at spotting them.

So many people write to Dr. Lovemonkey with just the opposite concern: they're looking for potential mates and are not finding them at the bars and clubs. The bars and clubs, where frivolity rules and you're likely to find devil-may-care characters, is where you belong. Just loosen up and have fun.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Since my divorce, I haven't been really interested in anyone until I met Ted about six months ago. Things have been great, but because I'm greatly concerned with financial stability, I did an Internet search and found that Ted had filed for bankruptcy a few years back.

I would like to learn his current status without revealing that I've been nosing around. What would you suggest?
-- In a Quandary

Dear In a Quandary,
If financial stability is your most important concern, you should extricate yourself from the relationship with Ted toot sweet. It's possible that he's still dealing with the results of his bankruptcy. Also, it might be an indication of less than prudent fiscal judgment on his part.

On the other hand, if money issues are not your primary concern, you should take your time and find out more about his financial situation by talking to him about money issues and conducting further research.

Issue Date: November 29 - December 5, 2002