Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I had a good friend who has a video camera, and when he travels, he takes it with him and records his adventures. Recently, he invited my girlfriend and I to his home so we could watch the footage of his most recent vacation with his girlfriend. The video featured them naked, involved in sexual relations. I couldn't believe this, yet I was so stunned they thought this was acceptable that I didn't know how to react. It's too late now (and this guy is no longer a friend), but if you were in my shoes, how would you have reacted?
-- Stunned

Dear Stunned,
No one can truly expect such bad taste. But my reaction would involve quickly talking with my girlfriend to suggest this plan of action: after the screening, ask to see the porno parts again. Stretch out on the floor with your girl and ask for suggestions about various sexual techniques demonstrated in the video, commenting on how they could be enhanced with the use of battery-operated doodads, inflatable dummies, or live barnyard animals. Then, ask if you can borrow his camera, his girlfriend, and his neighbor's German Shepherd.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
This is in the realm of etiquette questions, which I have seen you answer in the past. I recently received a note, which appeared to be hand-written, from a store where I'd purchased an expensive suit a few months back. It thanked me for my purchase and encouraged me to come back to buy some more. I thought this was rather odd (it really did appear to be done by a human and not a machine), and I was wondering if there is any need to respond

I have mixed feelings about this. On one level, I realize that the storeowners are perhaps just really canny businesspeople, but it's kind of interesting to see someone actually spend the time to create a personal letter. I am somewhat irritated, yet intrigued. Would you respond in such a situation?
-- Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,
In many ways, Dr. Lovemonkey shares your feelings about the letter. Your sense that this is essentially a canny advertising ploy is, of course, spot-on. Advertising is a fact of life. Marketing initially existed so people would be aware of what is available and how to get it. We Homo sapiens have progressed to the point where marketing is totally in our collective face and the be-all and end-all of modern existence.

This is the way we select our political leaders. They must be able to afford enough "TV time" to be competitive and they must "stay on message" to win. On the planet of Capitalism Uber Alles, marketing is 24/7, and it has softened our brains to porridge (porridge is high fiber, low-fat, and rich in essential proteins. And it tastes soooo good!).

The people at your clothing store don't know or care about you, but they are familiar with (and undoubtedly quite fond of) your money. They'd like to see more of it.

There is no need to respond unless you start feeling one of two things. If you really think they are clever and thoughtful about their advertising technique (and, more importantly, their clothing is of good quality) by all means, go back and buy more clothes.

On the other hand -- and more up Dr. Lovemonkey's evil alley -- if you find the advertising to be a little too smug and manipulative, you could respond with a long letter describing all the fabulous things you've achieved while wearing the suit. Don't settle for reality here -- make things up. Tell them about the time that beautiful film star picked you up because of his/her deep attraction to the suit. Or the time you walked out in the street and all traffic came to a screeching halt in appreciation of the suit. They'd be so proud.

Issue Date: November 22 - 28, 2002