Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend always wants to watch The Sopranos on Sunday nights, while I'm really into Law & Order: Criminal Intent. They are both on at the same time and we constantly disagree over which one to watch. What should we do?
-- Eddie

Dear Eddie,
Continue to fight about this until it rips apart your relationship. If this doesn't sound reasonable, you might want to consider purchasing a second television set. Luckily, reruns of both shows are frequently broadcast (The Sopranos a few more times during the same week). I would go with The Sopranos only because the guy on Criminal Intent (Vincent D'Onofrio) has that really irritating habit of tilting his head all the time. It kind of weirds me out.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am 25 years old, divorced, and the mother of a wonderful three-year-old. Over the summer, "John" and I started dating. There was instant chemistry between us. He is 13 years older, but this has never played a part in our relationship until now. John has come a long way; he has had 12 years' sobriety and is rather involved in AA.

Knowing about his turbulent past, I moved forward in our relationship in a pace that John set. It was a bit rapid, but everything felt fine. However, John has been moving into a behavior where he is very self-absorbed, as I think he has always been. He asked me to move in with him when my lease is up and he's purchased a home that needs
a large amount of re-modeling. He has declared it to be "our house,"

but continues to leave me out of the decision-making process. He refers to it as his house and says he's doing this or he's planning that. Then, he doesn't understand why I want nothing to do with the planning because I feel left out. This plays into other areas -- we do what he wants to do on the weekends and our lives run very close to the path that he chooses.

Claiming to be a sensitive male who will listen to anything that I say, provided I say it in a loving manner, he was very upset when I recently wrote him a letter. I was careful to use phrasing like, "I feel left out when this happens." I was excruciatingly careful to be non-attacking. However, he felt attacked. He became instantly defensive, and told me I would just have to understand that he is an "old man" very set in his ways, and that he was bending over backwards for me as it was. Suddenly, his selfishness has smacked me in the face. He told me that if some one has areas of complaint in a relationship, you either stay in or get out, and that he will not work on any of this because he just doesn't want to.

Am I wrong in asking him to be more sensitive to my feelings, my future, and to respect my opinion? This is a "duh!" question, I know, but am I asking for too much if he is already "trying" so hard?
-- Sad and Unsure

Dear Sad and Unsure,
Although John, it seems, has done well in his battle with substance abuse, he also sounds like someone who's terrified of not being in control. This does not bode well for your relationship. Your instinct not to move in with him is sound. You can assume, if you continue this relationship, that you'll always be putting more work into it than John because . . . well, he said, he "will not work on any of this because he just doesn't want to."

You have to ask yourself, how much of his damage do you want to be responsible for? I don't think he'll change his controlling nature a whole lot or his inability to work with you on changing. As with all relationships, there are compromises and the reality of accepting the shortcomings of your partner. If you believe his run too deep, get out.

Issue Date: November 8 - 14, 2002