Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I go out to restaurants on a frequent basis with my boyfriend. The problem is that he has an annoying habit. We generally go out with another couple or a few other friends, and he regularly sticks his fork in our dining companions' plates to sample their meals. They seem to find this highly amusing, but I think it's rude and an example of bad manners.

First of all, where in the world did he ever pick up this habit? And, do you think I can break him of it, considering how his friends seem to find it endearing, rather than uncouth?
-- Katie

Dear Katie,
I can't tell where he picked up the habit, but there's a good chance it was from his father or someone else in the family who was also an equal opportunity taster. It's also likely he saw the behavior in a movie or got it from a friend who was perceived to be a "cool guy."

You have an uphill battle trying to break him of this habit if most of his friends find it acceptable. You may want to take one or two aside. Ask if they really think it's amusing or are grossed out like you, but don't have the cojones to call him on it. If you're able to find some supporters, you could perhaps approach him as a group.

Other than that, Dr. Lovemonkey tends to go with shock therapy in cases of etiquette faux pas. This could take a number of forms. For instance, the next time you're out with people for dinner, mention very matter-of-factly that you find flatware to be a hopeless affectation and have decided to forgo utensils, choosing to handle your pork chop with solely hands and teeth. You could also say, "Hey, I like the looks of

your meal more than mine," and immediately switch plates with your boyfriend.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
During this campaign season, numerous local politicians have shown up unannounced on my doorstep and engaged me in conversation about their "sterling" credentials. I've eased them off of the porch and told them that I don't have time to talk, but they keep coming anyway. Have you got a more decisive way of getting rid of them?
-- Irked

Dear Irked,
They'll keep coming for awhile, but the Dr. Lovemonkey Surefire Method to Rid Oneself of Unwanted Visitors will ensure that they won't ever return. Always have a Bible handy near the front door, and whip it out when they ring the bell, saying, "Hey, there's a book here I'd like to discuss." Droning out some passage from Revelations is always good, and then, for the coup de grace, insist to comb through their hair to check for the "666" mark of the beast. Say it was revealed to you that the Anti-Christ would appear at your door in the form of someone seeking elective office. They won't be back.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I was thinking it would be really cool for my girlfriend to have my name tattooed on her butt to show that, like, her butt belongs to me. But she won't go along with my plan. How can I convince her there is nothing wrong with this, having a tattoo is really cool, and that I really love her?
-- Tattoo Fan

Dear Tattoo Fan,
Dr. Lovemonkey can't help you with this one because you are apparently a sexist moron. I may, however, be able to help your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. If you send me her mailing address, I'll be sure to get back to her. Don't forget to give my worst to any Al Qaeda members who may be living in a cave near yours.

Issue Date: October 18 - 24, 2002