Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Here's the background: I am 25 and my boyfriend is 26. We've been going together for just over six months. I was married once for two years and have a young daughter. My boyfriend has never been married, but he has four kids. We first met a couple of years ago and had a one-night stand. After that, he pursued me, but it took us awhile to get together.

Things are really good most of the time, but I have some unresolved questions. I'd really like to fully trust him, but I find that I can't. He went to high school a couple of towns over and graduated with my cousin. Recently, she told me she bumped into him at the supermarket and that he asked for her number (which she gave to him). Of course, she didn't know at the time that we were going together. I came upon this information by accident while I was chatting with my cousin. She told me she likes the guy, but has always felt that he is sneaky.

My boyfriend used to call me every day, but in the past month or so, this has slowed to a once a week. I can call him on his cell phone, but he doesn't always answer and I don't have a home number for him, because he says he lives with his aunt (something that I haven't been able to confirm).

I would like for this to work, but, as I said, I have some questions that I can't answer. How can I find the truth without getting in his face, so that I can either be assured that he is honest or move on?
-- Unsure

Dear Unsure,
Major red flags appeared in your first paragraph when you noted that he A) was 26; B) has never been married; C) has four kids. And he lives with his "aunt"? Shades of the landmark 1958 film High School Confidential, in which high school student (actually undercover narc) Russ Tamblyn lives with his aunt, Mamie Van Doren. No one in their right mind would believe Mamie Van Doren was Russ Tamblyn's aunt (of course, no one in their right mind would believe any of this movie, although it does get five stars from Dr. Lovemonkey).

Your boyfriend has the same credibility problem as High School Confidential -- none. A never-been-married 26-year-old male who's living with his aunt and has four kids has a serious problem with a little something called "responsibility." Sounds like the one-night stand is his standard M.O. Tell this guy you never want to see him again. Immediately!

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have a very important job in government with a great deal of responsibility. Recently, one of my former office workers accused me of making her give me blowjobs while at work. This is not at all true but everyone believes it because, most of the time, I operate as a despotic prick and many people would like to see me done in. My job is now in jeopardy. How can I get the truth out there, hold onto my job, and regain my good name?
-- Mr. Anonymous

Dear Mr. Anonymous,
It's always a tragedy when your basic run-of-the-mill despotic prick is falsely accused of soliciting blowjobs. I fear you will have to resign your position because of what is known as a "perception problem." As a despotic prick, you must know that reality always takes a back seat to perception.

The good news is that there is always room for another despotic prick in the private sector. Large corporations are always on the lookout for ruthless, amoral characters who are only out for themselves. It's called "corporate culture." And if your stint in government has led to a true facility for mutual butt-kissing and brown-nosing, you have excellent credentials to be a major lobbyist.

So what if the rest of the world considers you a scumbag? You will always be rich and, frankly, you are a scumbag, so who cares?

Issue Date: October 11 - 17, 2002