Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm female, 27, and cute. I have a full-time career and attend grad school at night. I've got friends (mostly from work and school). I work out and own my own house in the 'burbs. I've got a roommate, a cat, and my family lives close by. In short, my life is pretty full, and mostly, I'm pretty happy with it.

But I'm not at all happy about being single. My last relationship was fun, but not all that deep and it ended about five months ago. In the meantime, I met some guy online, who, in person, turned out to be, shall we say, scary. Another guy was sweet, hot, and persistent (all excellent qualities), yet 22 and, in many ways, still a kid. That's fine, but I need someone who can do the prosaic as well as the romantic relationship stuff. So I chose to be friends with him, and he's settled into this role with a minimum of grumbling.

My problem is that I really, really want to meet someone, maybe even several someone's, but I have absolutely no spare time in which to get out and meet people. I also have no money -- tuition can do that to you. I won't date people at work (not again) and there are very, very few single guys in my grad program. I just don't have a lot of time to hang out in places with single, fun, interesting guys. And that's if these places even exist, because I've certainly never heard of them. Most of my friends are married, living together, also do the work/grad school thing, and lack time and money, or have recently moved out of the state.

It's not like I want to get married within a year. I'd marry the right person if he came along and we had plenty of time to get to know each other, but mostly I want a guy with which to have fun, complain about work/school, go on trips, throw dinner parties, and sleep. Any ideas?
-- Butterfly Clarity

Dear Butterfly,
If trying to cultivate a relationship is fairly high on your priority scale, you will have to make a bit of time for it. When you say, "I have absolutely no spare time to get out and meet people," you raise doubts about your time in which to actually have a suitable or satisfying relationship.

I think what you're saying is that you don't want to waste a lot of time in pursuit of some vague someone by going places or doing things that may not pan out. There's no sure way to find a compatible companion, but you might want to consider discussing this dilemma with your friends from work and school. Spend a little time with the ones you like the most, find the most interesting, and who have the best character. Tell them you're lonely and would like to meet someone. They might have friends who are available and interested

Perhaps you could go out on an arranged date or with a group with a potential candidate included in the crowd. With so little time in your day to find a potential relationship partner, there will undoubtedly be some artifice in your attempts. Since you don't have the time to seek out or go to events and functions, networking with likable and trusted friends is the next best method. Good luck.

By the way, loved you in Gone with the Wind.

Issue Date: September 20 - 26, 2002