Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I saw in the paper recently that one of the big TV networks is bringing back The Beverly Hillbillies show, but doing it as some sort of "reality" programming. They're going to recruit an actual Appalachian hillbilly family, move them to Beverly Hills, and follow them around with cameras. What I'd like to know is, how can I get to meet whoever is going to be the modern-day equivalent of Elly Mae? I had a crush on her when I was a kid and watched the reruns.
-- Dan

Dear Dan,
It sounds like the producers of the new "reality" Hillbillies aren't going to be looking for "equivalents" of Elly Mae, Jethro, Granny, & company. Elly Mae was an actual actress by the name of Donna Douglas, who was a one-time co-star of Elvis (Frankie & Johnnie, 1966). She would now be in her 60s now, something that might cool your ardor.

It's difficult to say exactly how the producers foresee the new "Reality-billies," but despite their claims of searching for authentic Appalachian folk, I suspect that at least one or two of the younger members will be reasonably photogenic. On the other hand, I'm betting that the older members of the family will be right out of Walker Evans's "Let Us Now Praise Famous Men."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I think my husband's best friend is coming on to me. He's told

me the last couple of times I've seen him that he's "always had a crush on me," or that he's "had a crush on me for five years." He hasn't really said anything more than that, but I find it quite weird and a little unnerving. I haven't said anything to my husband. I'm wondering if I should. Or should I say something to the guy himself?
-- A Wee Bit Irritated

Dear A Wee Bit Irritated,
I am assuming you and your husband are doing well and that there aren't any serious problems or fissures in your marriage. I don't know what your husband's friend is thinking. He may just be a loose cannon. In any event, he isn't being a good friend to your husband.

You should confront your husband's friend the next time he mentions his "crush on you" and ask him exactly what he means and why he's bringing it up in the first place. If the guy has any integrity or sense, this ought to shut him up and end this line of babble. If not, you should really let him have it, even sharing his disloyalty toward your husband with your significant other.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
So I go into the drugstore looking to buy a magazine, and I notice this really hot-looking girl across the aisle. I watch her for a little bit and decide to go over to the area where they have greeting cards. I buy this greeting card that is just sort of "I really miss you," sign it, and put my business card in with my phone number. So, I've been waiting for a couple of weeks, but I haven't heard anything yet. I'm wondering if I did the wrong thing or if it was a good move and that eventually I'll hear from her.
-- Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,
So . . . ? What do you want from me?

Issue Date: September 6 - 12, 2002