Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Does size matter?
-- Larry

Dear Larry,
Dr. Lovemonkey is quite certain that size matters in many, many ways. For instance, the size of your home determines your property tax liability; the size of your in-seam influences your being able to get into those comfortable fitting jeans we all crave; and the size of your car matters if you're trying to impress a girl from Cranston.

On the other hand, size doesn't necessarily matter when it comes to how large a portion of home fries you get with your omelet; the size of your role in the latest Backstreet Boys video (actually the "size matters" argument does apply here, although in an inverse way -- the smaller your part, the better off you are); and the size of your lint collection from the clothes dryer.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm 36 years old and have been married to a wonderful man for almost two years. It is my second marriage, my husband's first, and we are very happy. It might not be "perfect," but it is very good, and I know that the good far outweighs the bad.

Before we got together (actually, I knew my husband years ago in high school, but it wasn't until recently that we reentered each other's lives), I had a relationship that lasted a few years with another man. The way in which that unfolded and what is happening now are what I'm concerned about.

Ray, my ex-boyfriend, and I worked together at the same office. He was engaged to someone else at the time, but we became really close. Ray told me how he was unhappy with his fiancé, Janet, and, after a while, we started to have an affair. After a few months, Ray ended up leaving Janet and we found and apartment and lived together.

This lasted for seven-and-a-half months. Then, all of a sudden, Ray disappeared for a couple of days. He finally called me and told me that he had gotten back together with Janet. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth and it took a while to get over it, but I did.

Up until a few months ago, I hadn't heard from Ray in a number of years. But he got in touch with me and it turns out that his marriage to Janet is on the rocks. Well, I can't say that I'm not tempted, but I need someone on the outside to be able to give me some good advice -- someone who has a more dispassionate view of this. What do you think?
-- A Little Confused

Dear A Little Confused,
Dr. Lovemonkey is on the outside. Dr. Lovemonkey has a dispassionate view of your situation. Dr. Lovemonkey is telling you not to pay any attention to the profligate Ray. He dropped you when he wanted to return to his ex and now that things aren't working out, he's back, trying to sway you. He didn't bother to retain a friendship and he doesn't care now. He's using you, so don't be used. Tell him to leave you alone.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My boyfriend would really like it if I modeled myself after Britney Spears. He thinks she's really hot and would like me to get a similar hairdo, clothes, the whole nine yards. The thing is, I'm 28 and he's 40. I've told him that this is rather juvenile of him, but he thinks it's cool. What should I do?
-- J.P.

Dear J.P.,
Drop the bonehead. Drop him right away. Let him concentrate on Internet and magazine photos of his ideal, so he can stop messing with real humans in the real world.

Issue Date: August 23 - 29, 2002