Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix, 150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to rcheeks[a]phx.com.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Last week, you responded to a letter from "Interested," saying that if she persists in asking out to lunch this guy who worked in her building, she'd be "an advocate of irresponsibility, infidelity and promiscuity." Where are you getting all this from? We're talking about lunch! It seems to me that you way overreacted on this one.

-- Gary

Dear Gary,
Dr. Lovemonkey occasionally uses hyperbole, but I don't believe that my advice to "Interested" was in any way an overreaction. She indicated her attraction to this guy and that his response, when she initially invited him to have lunch with her, was, "I have a girlfriend." Her agenda was clear, and he understood it and acted properly. She wasn't inviting him to lunch to discuss the finer points of nuclear physics or the Patriots' chances of returning to the Super Bowl next year. It was a sexual come-on, meant it as just this and that's how he took it.

To persist in this after he made clear his lack of interest would mean that she has no respect for the committed relationships of others, and this, to Dr. Lovemonkey, is moral bankruptcy. We should respect, and to the best of our ability, be supportive of the serious relationships of others as we'd want others to treat us. There's no evidence of dysfunction or abuse here (which changes things when it comes to respect and support). We can assume this guy is perfectly happy in his relationship and that it is good and healthy. This translates to back off. It means, "fuhgeddaboutit."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been in a relationship with a guy for the last four years. Just recently I've been thinking about someone else. It has never been my style to cheat, but I don't want to break it off. How can I satisfy this urge without hurting the guy I love?

-- Interested Girlfriend

Dear Interested Girlfriend,
There's a simple two-word answer to your question -- you can't. Most people find themselves attracted to others at certain times, whether they're married, single, in a committed relationship, or not. If you're involved with someone else, however, you just don't go there. If you're attracted to another man or woman, don't pursue that attraction. It will only lead to trouble. Think for a minute -- how you would feel if the guy you've been with for four years decided to "satisfy an urge" with someone else?

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
This is something I've wondered about for a number of years. How come there aren't any gay major league baseball players? In most sports there are one or two gay players, and considering how many major league teams there are, you'd think we'd at least have seen a few. What's up with this?

-- B.C.

Dear B.C.,
Ahh, B.C., such an appropriate appellation. You might also wonder why, with so many gay folks in the theater, we don't see gay lead actors in film and television. Actually, you do see them, but you don't know their sexual orientation since (in a very B.C. way) you're assuming that everyone who hasn't publicly come out is heterosexual. Au contraire, young B.C. There are plenty of gay and lesbians in every field, from sports, government, business, law enforcement to bus driving and so on. Fear and ignorance fuel homophobia and heterosexism, however, and the resulting ignorance and fear discourages people from disclosing their sexual identity. You can be certain that there are scores of gay major league baseball players.

Issue Date: May 24 - 30, 2002