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House of deception
by Rudy Cheeks
![[Dr. Lovemonkey]](/standard/image/headers/LOVEMONKEY.gif)
Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a man for almost two years. We're both in our
mid-30s. Every time we've gotten together it has either been at my house, a
restaurant, or similar setting. I found out recently that he had been deceiving
me as to where he was living.
Instead of living alone, as he told me was the case, he's been residing in
a house with a woman who's about 10 years older than he is. When I found out
about this, my boyfriend told me there's no intimate relationship and that he
functions as sort of a handy man for her. Because he's so helpful, he pays only
a very small rent.
I was willing to buy this, but whenever I suggest that I meet this woman,
he's insistent that I don't. He says she's very happy with the arrangement and
that it might upset her if she were to meet me. My beau and I have been
discussing marriage, but it's moving very slowly and I think I've discovered
the reason why.
Don't you believe that I should have the right to meet this woman? Isn't
unfair for him to keep me away?
What should I do? Any help is good.
-- Irritated in Mansfield
Dear Irritated,
Whether you wish to meet this woman is up to you, but the proper action is to
drop this guy like a bad habit. He can't be trusted. He misrepresented his
living situation to you, and now he's blocking you from discovering more about
the basic circumstances of his life. This tells Dr. Lovemonkey that, indeed,
there's more to his relationship with the "roommate" than meets the eye and
he's playing both of you. He's not to be trusted, so there's no future. Drop him
immediately.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been married for six years, and my husband has a sales job in which
he's on the road about one week of every month. He was out of town recently,
and when I found a sales receipt from a strip club in his pocket, he
acknowledged he'd been there. He added that he had paid one of the dancers to
give him oral sex.
He seems to think this is perfectly okay because: a) he was out of town; b)
she meant nothing to him; c) it was only oral sex. Needless to say, I have a
different take on this, but he insists that all of these things matter. How can
I make him see that what he did was wrong?
Dear Sally,
If he actually believes his own line of reasoning, he's hopeless. All things
matter in a marriage or an exclusive, intimate relationship. Anyone who thinks
that infidelity doesn't matter if it occurs out of town is truly addled. Bill
Clinton may believe in some twisted way that a blow job is not sex, but it is
and the fact that it was fairly anonymous in your husband's case is about as
lame as it gets. None of his explanations wash. And if he's out of town one
week in four, this probably isn't the first time something along these lines
has occurred.
If you want to save your marriage, tell him that none of his explanations
carry any weight and you expect him to find a different line of work. Frankly,
I don't think any of these things will work and that this marriage is going
down the tubes. It's worth a try, though. He would have to totally reform his
ways, although nothing that you wrote indicates this is likely.
Issue Date: May 10 - 16, 2002
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