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Mind the gap
by Rudy Cheeks
![[Dr. Lovemonkey]](/standard/image/headers/LOVEMONKEY.gif)
Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 27-year-old man and engaged to be married to a wonderful 20-year-old
woman. We met more than three years ago at a house party. I was 24 and she was
one week away from 17. Half a year later, we moved in together. We've had a
storybook relationship, and while our life had its bumps, it was our love for
each other that helped us through them. In about another seven months, once she
finishes college, we'll be married. It really is the people, not the age. In my
experience a twenty-something, slightly immature guy can be very happy with a
teenage girl who is a bit overly mature for her age, and she with him.
Dear Happy Young Couple,
I appreciate the feedback and do understand that there certainly are
circumstances in which a mature teenager and a not-too-mature post-teen can
have a good and successful relationship. But from my understanding of
developmental psychology, I see a big difference between a 15-year-old and a
17-year-old. Nothing that "On hold" wrote gave me any sense of his 15-year-old
friend's maturity level. Perhaps this situation could work out, but from an
abundance of caution, Dr. Lovemonkey would rather go with the odds on this
one.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a 24-year-old woman and I've never had a relationship. I feel like a
freak. I am inclined to think the sole reason for this is that I have an
unattractive body. I've had numerous male friends who love hanging out with me
and with whom I have a lot in common. I've been told I'm "so cool" on several
occasions. I have a very pretty face, beautiful hair, a good job, went to a
good college, and I know about stuff that guys like (rock music, sports,
outdoors, etc.), yet no one has EVER been interested. I mean ever.
I'm on the large side for a girl. I'm not "fat" -- I am in EXCELLENT shape,
but I feel like men just aren't interested. Is there ANY hope for someone in my
situation? And am I setting some sort of old maid record here?
Dear Old Maid,
It may be unusual for a 24-year-old woman to have never had a relationship,
but it's not that unusual. Dr. Lovemonkey himself did not have a girlfriend
until he was 26 and this was during the so-called "free love" historical epoch.
I am twice that age now and my sense is that perhaps I was an unusual person in
a number of respects and was expending too much energy looking for love in all
the wrong places.
I understand your frustration. You sound like a very intelligent, interesting,
and unique person. Could it be that you've been looking for love in places and
circumstances that are far too ordinary for an exceptional person like
yourself? One thing that Dr. Lovemonkey knows is that people find it very
attractive when one finds happiness in one's self and what one is doing in
life. If, as it sounds, the lack of an intimate relationship is weighing
heavily on your mind, the effect will only be negative.
I don't think that your not being slender has anything to do with this. It's
more that peers in your age group are a bit slow and too dull to pick up on how
extraordinary you are. Concentrate on doing the things that make you happy and
hanging out with friends. The less time you spend thinking about being in a
relationship, the better the odds are that one might develop. I realize that
this might sound silly, but it's true. People are drawn like magnets to happy,
positive people. When you're in a comfortable place for yourself, you'll be
surprised how many people will want to be there with you.
Issue Date: March 1 - 7, 2002
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