Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm 42 years old and was married for 14 years to a man who regularly
cheated on me. After getting rid of him, I remarried a couple of years ago, and
now I find that my current husband may be doing the same thing, although I
don't have incontrovertible evidence to prove it.
My husband has mentioned the name of a woman from work on a number of
occasions. This was strange, I thought, so I started to pay attention to his
behavior. By installing monitoring software on our home computer (my husband is
not exactly the most sophisticated computer user), I found that he e-mails this
woman at least once, usually twice, daily. They seem to speak in code.
Some of my husband's friends from work tell me I shouldn't consider this
woman a threat because she's not that good-looking. They do acknowledge that
she and my husband are friendly. I've since found out that they eat lunch
together just about every day. I also suspect that my husband's work friends
might be covering up for him.
He claims nothing is happening, but there are too many inconsistencies in
his explanations and too much to ignore. Do you think something is going on, or
am I just being paranoid?
Dear Betty,
I can't tell whether your husband is having an overtly sexual affair, but the
behavior he's engaged in is a form of unfaithfulness nonetheless. Having a
close friendship with another person that is exclusive of the marital
relationship is wrong and damaging to the marriage. You should tell your
husband this. He should understand that what he's doing is a mistake and
contradicts what a marriage is all about.
You might consider e-mailing the woman, telling her how you feel about this.
You could even use some of their "code language" in your e-mail, even if you
don't know exactly what it means. This will at least alert her to the fact that
you're aware of their correspondence.
If they insist that the whole thing is innocent, you should invite the woman
and her husband or boyfriend (if she has one) for dinner, or some other manner
of social evening, so that you can also be friends with your husband's friends.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 21-year-old man and I've been attracted to a girl for a few months
now. The problem is that she's 15. I realize it's not a good move to do
anything about this until she's 16, but I'm wondering if our age difference is
too great. I know there are many couples out there with five, six, 10 even
15-year age differences, and that these relationships are good and strong. This
girl really likes me a lot. I intend to hold off on making a move until her
next birthday, but do you think that maybe I should forget about it
altogether?
Dear On Hold,
The answer is in your first sentence: You're a man and she's a girl.
Certainly, there are couples that have successful relationships and an age
difference of 10 years or more. But would you consider a 10-year age difference
at your age (meaning your girlfriend would be 11)? I didn't think so. On the
other hand, if the 10-year difference is between people who are 31 and 21, or
41 and 31, that's a whole different story.
You're talking about someone who is still developing intellectually,
emotionally, and sexually. She is undoubtedly greatly impressed with the
attentions of a 21-year-old man and quite vulnerable. The matter of a few
months when she turns 16 is a technical rather than a realistic difference. The
real issue is her stage of development, not the actual difference in age.
I also suspect that most 15-year-old girls are too much in awe of a
21-year-old man to have a balanced and healthy relationship. What you are
considering is unbalanced and unhealthy. Forget about it.
Issue Date: February 22 - 28, 2002
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