Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I hate to say this, but I think my problem is being too smart or maybe
having too much expertise. For about a year I've been posting photographs of
myself on Web sites for singles. I've been getting a good response whenever I
post the picture.
I'm not the world's most beautiful woman, but I have worked as a
professional photographer's assistant. I know a lot about lighting, angles,
makeup, and all the stuff that it takes to make a person look their best in a
photograph. Naturally, the photograph I've been using is quite
flattering.
Unfortunately, after I meet the men who respond they invariably tell me
that I don't look like my picture. I don't look that bad, but it is a well-done
image that I'm peddling.
So, should I take another photograph that isn't quite as attractive? Should
I intentionally look as drab as possible? I am having a problem thinking that
this is the solution to the problem. What do you think?
Dear Millie,
I'm going to assume the photograph that you've been using was taken in recent
years. I say this only because of my extensive experience with obit pictures in
the local daily, which are quite frequently circa the glory days of Tom
Brokaw's "Greatest Generation" (i.e., the 1940s). It's always weird seeing
someone who was 80 years old and residing in an assisted-living facility
looking surprisingly like one of the Andrews Sisters in their heyday. Then
again, if the relatives of the deceased want the death notice to show what
someone looked like when Amos & Andy still ruled the airwaves, who
am I to quibble?
So, as long as you've not used an ancient photo, extensive prosthetics, or
otherwise attempted to make your photograph totally unrepresentative of the way
you actually look, there's absolutely nothing wrong (and much right) about
wanting to use a photograph that makes you look your best.
If the men you're meeting through the dating Web sites seem disappointed with
your real-life appearance, try putting as much effort into reproducing the
photo look in real life when you first meet these guys. If this means staging
the lighting at the initial meeting, by all means do. The idea is to get past
that first encounter (where men are notorious for concentrating on the visuals)
and getting them to know you, so they'll also take in your charm and
personality. The whole package will undoubtedly bowl them over.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've known this guy who's in my class at school for a few years now. I
always liked him, but it was no big deal. Well, his girlfriend moved out of
town a little while ago and he's been really depressed. I've talked to him
about it a few times, and as I've gotten to know him better, I've been getting
a crush on him.
My question is, considering that he's still kind of mourning his
ex-girlfriend (who is pretty much out of the picture now and not returning), is
it a good or bad time to make some kind of move for him right now?
Dear Wondering and Waiting,
My advice would be to not make an overt move. I suggest that you do two
things, however. First, think about what it is that you find attractive about
him. Think about whether or not these attributes are real or a fantasy on your
part. What do you have in common? Have you spent time with him when he was not
mourning his girlfriend and you both enjoyed yourselves?
I fear that you've gotten to know him only in crisis mode and that this
doesn't tell you a whole lot about compatibility. The best thing you can do is
to continue to be his friend. When his mourning has subsided, he may make the
move himself. But right now he's emotionally vulnerable (you sound the same),
and the best thing would be to continue to get to know each other while gaining
a sense of your mutual attraction in more sedate times.
Issue Date: February 1 - 7, 2002
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