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Oral report
by Rudy Cheeks
![[Dr. Lovemonkey]](/standard/image/headers/LOVEMONKEY.gif)
Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going with a guy for almost a year now. Everything is wonderful,
but there is one little nagging problem. It's probably not such a big deal, but
it bothers me. He has never said, "I love you." In virtually every way he's
shown that he loves me, but I want him to say it. Two questions: is this
something that I should be concerned about, and how do I get him to say the
words?
Dear Waiting,
People and especially the male of the species feel very vulnerable when they
say, "I love you." Of course, being vulnerable is one of the most important
things that love is all about. Your boyfriend is probably a bit too
self-conscious.
Do you tell him that you love him? If you murmur this at a passionate moment,
I'd bet he'd reciprocate and tell you the same. If he's showing you in every
other way that he loves you, it's not a huge thing. If you tell him on a
regular basis that you love him, I think he'll loosen up and feel more
comfortable telling you the same. If you're sure of his love and devotion, just
give it a little time and ease him into it.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
It seems to me that every guy is obsessed with the size of his penis. Is
this true?
Dear Anonymous,
Obviously, you're a woman, because if you were a man, you'd know the answer.
Of course it's true -- all men are obsessed with their private parts. I believe
that this mass insecurity emanates from the fact that adult males (the heteros,
anyway) rarely bathe together. Therefore, they walk around thinking that their
units are too small.
Let Dr. Lovemonkey take away all that gnawing hetero insecurity, fellas. Yes,
you all have undersized, insufficiently heroic blee-blees, but if you invest in
the one and only "Dr. Lovemonkey's Heroic Blee-Blee Stretcher," you'll be hung
like a common criminal within hours (and so will Dr. Lovemonkey). You also will
be in constant, agonizing pain, but, as all of us men know, it's a small price
to pay.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I tell my girlfriend just about everything. I pride myself on my honesty
and believe it's important to be fully honest with another person if you're
going to have a strong and meaningful relationship. The problem is that
sometimes she gets angry with me because I'm so honest.
For instance, she bought a new skirt a little while ago and she asked me
how I thought it looked. I told her that I didn't think that it looked so hot,
and although she didn't get angry, she got really moody instead.
Don't you think honesty is the best policy? Should I start lying to someone
who is really important to me just because it would be more convenient?
Dear Trying To Be Real,
Everything you believe, feel, or suspect isn't so important that you should
share it, even with your most intimate friend. Some things should just be kept
to yourself. You'll never know another person completely (hell, you'll never
know yourself completely) and vice versa, and to be bent on doing this can
sometimes (regardless of intent) be destructive and hurtful.
One of the benefits of a good, intimate relationship is support. When your
girlfriend buys clothes and asks your opinion, she's probably not looking for
an actual critique, just some support. In general, people need support more
than "complete honesty." Let's say you've gone to the movies with your
girlfriend and the film stars a really attractive actress. Based on your
standard of "complete honesty," are you going to start raving to about how
friggin' great Nicole Kidman, Cameron Diaz, etc., looks?
When your girlfriend buys a new piece of clothing and asks what you think, the
proper response is something like, "Everything looks great on you." More likely
than not, she's got a pretty good idea about how her clothes look and she's
just looking for affirmation, something that tells her, "Yes, you have good
fashion sense, sweetheart." On the other hand, if your girlfriend has really
atrocious taste and keeps buying things that don't flatter her, you may have a
real problem.
Issue Date: January 25 - 31, 2002
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