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Asking for it
by Rudy Cheeks
![[Dr. Lovemonkey]](/standard/image/headers/LOVEMONKEY.gif)
Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been dating a woman for three months. She's 27. I'm
26. She lives an hour-and-a-half away, and our work schedules permit us to
see each other only on weekends. However, we love each other.
The problem is, I asked that silly question of how many guys she has slept
with. The answer was 20 -- twice as many as partners than the number I've had.
I've found this hard to deal with, wondering if she has a "bad track record,"
and thought that maybe I should be with someone whose background is closer to
mine. It just makes me jealous in some strange way, and eats me up a
lot, but she is so sweet.
I know this is stupid and I should just accept her for who she is, but I
wonder if this will cause problems in the future. Any suggestions?
Dear Feeling Weirded Out,
Yes, it was not a great idea to ask about her sexual history. The past is the
past. Both of you are embarking on a new relationship, and the number of past
sexual experiences shouldn't have a bearing on what happens between the two of
you. After all, she has chosen to be with you and you with her. It will only
cause problems if you allow it to. So, forget about the past and forget about
the numbers.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend and I recently broke up and she has begun treating me with
cold professional detachment. It's probably just a temporary outward defense
mechanism, and I thought it might be a good idea to limit, in a nice way, the
amount of contact, to minimize her opportunity to hurt me. I also tell myself
that I must have meant something to her, and that she must also be suffering,
but this doesn't help much because her coldness still totally hurts me. Please
give me some advice on how to cope with the pain caused by her nonchalance and
indifference, and how not to be so hurt by it.
Dear Randy,
You're right about this being a defense mechanism. If it's causing you pain,
you're wise to limit contact with her. People deal with disappointment and
heartbreak in different ways, and detachment and coldness is apparently her
way. Perhaps she thinks this will somehow protect her from feeling the same
pain and disappointment.
Your challenge is to deal with your own suffering and not dwell on what once
was. You seem to understand -- better than her -- that the emotional sorting
out of a relationship is something that is best consciously experienced. Things
will become easier with some time, but you should probably avoid too much
contact for now. And when you do see her, remember that this is merely her way
of coping.
I suspect that eventually she'll come to have warmer feelings about the past
and be able to connect with you on a more affable basis. Busying yourself with
other people and other activities is also something you should pursue. It won't
keep you from dwelling on the past at times, but it will certainly quicken your
recovery and help you to fully reclaim your self-esteem.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a woman in my 40s and I recently met a man, also in his 40s and
recently divorced, at a social occasion. We got to talking and danced around
the subject of going out together, but every time it got to the point of
setting a time and place, he'd hedge.
Everything seemed fine, but he just could not commit to a course of action.
I haven't heard from him since then, but I do expect to run into him at another
social occasion in a couple of weeks. Should I just forget about it or
what?
Dear Waiting,
If he's recently divorced, there may be all sorts of things running through
his mind and prompting him to hesitate. If you see him in two weeks, approach
him in a humorous way. Tell him that you're interested and make him set a date.
If he continues to hedge, forget about it for the time being. It could be that
he's a bit scared and giving it a bit too much thought.
Issue Date: January 4 - 10, 2002
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