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by Rudy Cheeks
![[Dr. Lovemonkey]](/standard/image/headers/LOVEMONKEY.gif)
Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
A girl at work and I have been in an evolving friendship for the past
several months. We had talked about relationships -- what each of us was
looking for in our mate -- and shared our thoughts on a lot of close personal
matters. We seemed to describe each other to a T. We have similar though not
identical interests and have been spending some quality time together.
She constantly mentioned how she was looking forward to future plans, like
my teaching her to sail or scuba dive, or just going out to movies,
restaurants, and traveling to other places for work with me. There was some
physical contact, including handholding and deep hugs, which led me to believe
that she was interested in being more than friends. My ideal relationship, it
seemed.
Laying down my feelings on the line, I was very surprised and hurt by her
response. She told me that she didn't feel the same about way about me, never
has, and was sorry if she gave me the wrong impression.
I really care about this girl and feel that a relationship is in our best
interests. I so desperately want her to see this, and while I know
that I can't force her heart, I feel very constrained by the fact that we
work together. It's impossible to just turn off the feelings that I have for
her, but it's hard to maintain a "just friends" attitude. What's the right
move?
The way I see it, I can either maintain a purely professional relationship,
which means I'll have to distance myself from her, or I can try the "just
friends" routine and hope things work out eventually. I tried the latter with
another girl a long time ago and it killed me. We're friends today, but it was
a very long and hard road, and we're not as close as we had been.
Dear E.P.,
Go on casual dates with other women. Maintaining your focus on this one --
who's told you that she isn't interested -- will only cause grief and possible
strain. An active interest in others sometimes changes the viewpoint of an
earlier focus of one's romantic attention. Of course, it doesn't always work
this way, but it's a possibility. Meanwhile, you're not in a position to push
this along. So take the rejection gracefully and move on. For anything to work
between you and this gal, she'll have to come to you, and there's no guarantee
that this will happen. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
Two years ago, I dated a guy from school for six weeks. Things were going great, but there was some bad timing. We've
maintained a quasi-friendship, hanging out very occasionally. Right after we
broke up, he got a new girlfriend, and they've been together ever since.
Every time we hang out together, this guy says something like, "I'm still
attracted to you, but nothing can happen." And nothing ever does. The problem
is that because of our friendship, I've become even more attracted to him than
anybody I've known in my entire life. He cares about his girlfriend, and it's
painful for me to see them around school together. I assume that you'd advise
me to just back off, but I can't stop imagining how incredibly amazing it would
be to have a relationship with the desired object of my affection. My school is
small, so it's impossible to avoid him, and seeing him drives me crazy.
Dear Living in Hell,
You're in a situation akin to E.P.'s, and the same advice would hold. Spend
time with other guys. You've got to stop being fixated on someone who's
unavailable. He obviously likes you, and it sounds as if he wants to keep his
options open in case he splits with his girlfriend. Right now, though, he
appears to be satisfied. You can't change that, but you can change your
response. The best one would be to introduce some distance from between
yourself and this unhealthy fixation.
Issue Date: December 7 -13, 2001
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