Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been carrying on an e-mail relationship with a woman in Eastern Europe
for the past three months. We have exchanged eight e-mail messages, and I've
become more and more interested in this relationship. In her last couple of
e-mails, she's told me she loves me and that she wants to come here to meet me
and move forward with the relationship.
While I'm quite interested, I don't think it has yet reached the level of
love. This gal would need financial help in getting here, and I'm inclined to
help, but I still think it's too soon. I don't want to blow this, because I can
see that there are some possibilities and something could work out in the end.
Any suggestions?
Dear Hesitant,
You are right to be hesitant. Eight e-mails with someone you have never met is
pretty thin gruel. And perhaps this will grow into something worthwhile, but at
this time it's still more fantasy than reality.
You should also be aware that many people in Eastern Europe are keenly
interested in getting to the United States and it is not beyond the realm of
possibility that she wants to use you to make her big move. You should continue
your correspondence with her, explaining that you're not inclined to take such
a dramatic step right now. If there's really something there, she should be
willing to let it develop at a more reasonable pace.
Perhaps you could talk over the telephone and get a better sense of her
feelings (as well as yours). Internet relationships, particularly those between
people who are communicating from a great geographical distance, are fraught
with caveats. Let things happen at a pace with which you're comfortable.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I have been going out with a wonderful man for almost two years. There is
one problem and I can't seem to get past it. For many years now, I've been a
vegan. I eat no animal products. However, my boyfriend has always been a
carnivore. In the past year and a half, he has stopped eating beef and pork. He
continues to eat chicken, though.
I don't want to be too judgmental or severe, but I am having a problem with
this. He knows how I feel and has definitely been very sensitive to my feelings
and made a strong effort, but I'm still troubled by his poultry consumption. Is
there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with him? I am
wrestling with this and I wonder if there is some sort of way that we can get
past this.
Dear Jan C.,
There's nothing wrong with either of you. There are so many people in intimate
relationships with truly serious differences, including really deep
philosophical disparities, that yours appears rather minor by comparison.
If you're so committed to a vegan existence that you don't want to associate
with meat eaters, leather-wearers, and folks with different beliefs, okay. But
you have been with this man for some time now and it seems that you're happy
except for this one area. Consider yourself lucky. He has been willing to
change to a certain extent and that seems pretty good.
He isn't being rigid and you shouldn't either. We all accept what we may
consider minor flaws in those we love and care about. Unless I'm reading you
wrong, his chicken eating is more or less a minor flaw from your perspective.
Let it go and be happy with what sounds like a good relationship.
Issue Date: November 23 - 29, 2001
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