Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm a 27-year-old male, and I have a 27-year-old female friend who has been
in a relationship for four years. Her boyfriend, Steve, moved overseas a year
ago, and he'll be back next year. She plans on marrying him when he returns,
even though he hasn't given her a ring. She is head over heels for this guy --
she smiles every time she talks about him. Steve, on the other hand, is too
cool to mention his girlfriend unless she's around. I found out that Steve has
cheated on his girlfriend numerous times while overseas, but he says he loves
her whenever they talk.
Do you think I should inform her about his extra activities or should I
leave it alone? I'm afraid that she may get angry or not believe me if I tell
her. So what should I do?
Dear Mr. Mark,
Who told you about Steve's intercontinental unfaithfulness? Dr. Lovemonkey
assumes it was another friend of hers or a mutual friend. Perhaps this person
would be willing to tell your friend of Steve's bad behavior.
As a rival for this woman's affections, you're to correct to assume that
you're not the right person to report this news. The right person (if such an
individual exists) has your friend's best interests at heart, lacks a personal
stake in her relationship with Steve, and knows and disapproves of the
unfaithfulness.
You also must acknowledge the possibility that your friend, no matter who
tells her, won't believe that Steve has engaged in infidelity. According to
your description, she's got an idealized vision of the guy and what he's up
to.
It would be worthwhile to examine your own motives. Are you interested in
busting up your friend's relationship because you believe it's bad and
unhealthy, or because you want her for yourself? It's probably a combination of
the two, but she might not choose you as an intimate partner even if she
becomes outraged and breaks it off with Steve. Would you accept that and feel
like you had performed her a service? You should think about all these
things.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm married and in my late 30s, as is my wife of seven years. I've been
having a fantasy of sharing my wife with another man for a long time now, but I
don't know how to present the idea. I'm afraid that if I do her feelings will
be hurt or she'll be grossed out. It's not that there's anything wrong with our
current sex life. This fantasy is just something that excites my
imagination.
Any time we've discussed fantasies, she's never come up with anything
involving others. How can I bring this up without any negative
consequences?
Dear I.P.,
You could discuss the idea of threesomes in a theoretical sense. In other
words, ask what she thinks of the idea of others engaging in such activities. I
must tell you, though, that this whole area is fraught with danger. Married
couples having sex with multiple partners is a minority taste. It sounds like
you may have been hinting around at this and she has shown no interest. I
suspect this is because she has no interest.
A few things to think about: might your wife think that you don't value her
that much if you're so willing to share her with someone else? Might she think
that your fantasy has more to do with your sexual contact with another man? If
she were to agree to engage in this threesome, might she not enjoy sex with the
other man more than sex with you? Would you be able to deal with that?
If you are satisfied with your sex life and your wife has shown no interest in
a threesome, it's probably a good idea to keep away from the whole thing.
Fantasies are good. They commonly disappoint, however, when people try to make
them into reality, and in some cases, cause irreparable harm.
Issue Date: November 16 - 22, 2001
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