Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My girlfriend and I have been going together for a little less than a year.
She's a big TV watcher -- really into Nickelodeon and TV Land and stuff like
that. She is especially into the original Star Trek series and has a
real thing about Leonard Nimoy's character, Mr. Spock. She really thinks his
pointy ears are sexy.
It's going to be her birthday just before Christmas. Even though we've only
been together since last February, I really love her. I'm thinking about going
to a plastic surgeon and having my ears done so they're like Mr. Spock's. If we
were to break up, it would really devastate me, not to mention the fact that
I'm not really into the pointy ear thing like she is. Do you think I should
take a chance and see a plastic surgeon so I could surprise her for Christmas
and her birthday?
Dear Unsure,
No. And rather than seeing someone in reconstructive surgery, you should seek
help in the psychiatric field.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going with "Jim" for a year-and-a-half. We are both in our early
30s and have been around. A mutual friend introduced us and everything was
great at first. Jim was funny and thoughtful and my best friend. But as time
has gone on, he gets increasingly critical about everything.
For one thing, he doesn't seem to like any of my friends and he always lets
me know it. I get along fine with his friends, but he always complains and
criticizes when we make plans to see mine. He doesn't like my taste in how I've
put my apartment together. Basically, he's critical about everything in my
life.
I'm beginning to think that the source of this is his own issues, rather
than my friends and my life. He seems incapable of being happy for any length
of time. I understand that there's give and take in every relationship, and I'm
certainly willing to compromise, but that isn't what's happening here. Am I
wrong in feeling this way, or is there some way we can work this out? It's
getting to me. I'm starting to be dragged down into his misery and I'm a happy
person in general.
Dear Annie,
Get out of this relationship. While people in a couple will have disagreements
and not always have similar opinions, Jim's unrelenting negativity is beyond
non-supportive. It actually threatens to undermine your self-esteem. Being
supportive and enhancing each other's self-esteem is an integral part of a
healthy relationship and, for whatever reason, Jim is bent on being unhealthy.
I'm sure that he was very nice in the beginning, but he's obviously unable
to sustain it. If he's disappointed or unhappy with himself, he needs to work
on himself. Instead, he seems to be transferring his unhappiness to you. You
can't make him happy. Given enough opportunity, however, he can make you pretty
miserable. So break it off. This isn't working - especially for you.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I just turned 33 and have a daughter from a previous marriage. She is now a
teenager, and after a number of years of having very little social life, I'm
interested in meeting someone and maybe sparking up some romance in my life.
I'm no great beauty, but I am an attractive woman. The problem is that I've
included my picture as part of an ad on a few Internet dating sites and I've
gotten negative responses from a number of men. I don't photograph so well, but
I am attractive. It's just that I look much better in person than I do in
photographs.
Interestingly enough, these men are not so hot looking themselves. In fact,
although I don't have their geographical addresses, I suspect that they are
from serious hillbilly, incest-riddled parts of the country. Are these men
expecting beauty queens or something? Should I even bother with the Internet
idea?
Dear Disgusted,
It is true that the in-bred and incest-ridden men of West Virginia expect two
things: 1) beauty queens to date and 2) Robert Byrd's re-election to the
Senate. Look for another photographer, one who knows something about lighting,
and consider Internet sites where you can converse with people without
initially swapping pictures. Get inside a man's thoughts and feelings, and
magically, he isn't so fixated on looks.
Issue Date: November 9 - 15, 2001
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