Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am meeting this woman soon and it's very important for me to give a good
first impression, so I'm asking for help with that. She went to high school
with me, but I didn't really know her there except by sight. I ran into her at
the Dairy Queen a couple of months ago.
Since then, we've been talking on the phone a lot and interacting through
e-mail, and she seems really, really nice. This would be our first sort of
formal date.
I have been married twice before, once for 11 years, and the other time for
seven years. I found out that my first wife was cheating on me, but we stayed
together for almost four more years because of the kids. Then, the second wife,
who had three kids of her own, divorced me immediately after I hurt myself on
the job and was confined to a wheelchair for a year. She didn't like the
wheelchair. I have been alone now for three years. But I don't need a
wheelchair any more, I'm back in good health, and I really don't want to blow
it with this woman, so give me some good advice, if you can.
Dear Making a Comeback,
Dr. Lovemonkey has gotten only a brief synopsis of your previous history of
domestic upheaval. I'd suggest you avoid any sort of detailed discussion about
your former wives when you get together with this new friend. You seem to have
a number of unresolved issues concerning your ex-wives -- if not unresolved
issues, then at least a lingering anger and resentment.
Concentrate on this new woman and focus on what you find interesting and
attractive about her. Old resentments and baggage can only undermine the
potential for a good relationship here.
The other thing to remember about this first date (and it runs hand-in-hand
with not dredging up your bad experiences from the past) is to relax and have a
good time. Enjoy each other's company and avoid speculating beyond the moment.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been attracted to this guy I've been working with for a few months
now. We've joked around a lot together. Last week, I told him that someone
asked me to marry him. He said he wants to know the guy's name, so he can punch
him out. I think that's really cute. Do you think that he might ask me
out?
Dear Cassandra,
Sure, he's interested in you. Dr. Lovemonkey has a few questions, though. Did
someone really ask you to marry him? If so, and you have this serious
involvement with someone else, what are you doing playing with this guy? Or
maybe you made the story up. Do you really find threatened violence "cute?"
Maybe Dr. Lovemonkey can fix you up with Mike Tyson.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've fallen for this guy at work, Larry, who is eight years older than me.
We have been friendly for a while and he's told me that he likes me very much,
and that we'd probably make a great couple if I were a guy, because he's
gay.
Recently, I got transferred to another department at work and part of the
reason was because Larry ratted me out to the manager. I always had this
feeling that maybe I shouldn't totally trust Larry, but we've been such good
friends, and 90 percent of the time we really get along and I really care about
him.
Anyway, now that I'm a different department, it will take a lot more effort
to maintain our friendship or to make a move to become more intimate. I'm just
not sure what move I should make since, even though I really love Larry and
care about him, I don't fully trust him.
Dear Wondering,
Step back a few feet. He ratted you out. You don't fully trust him. He's gay.
Does this sound like a good bet for starting a hetero relationship? Dr.
Lovemonkey gives the thumbs down to this one. Cast your gaze and focus
elsewhere, on someone you have no reason to distrust, perhaps someone who
shares the same sexual orientation.
It's not unusual to find yourself attracted to someone who is wrong for you.
People do it all the time, but once you grasp the inherent contradictions, it
behooves you to back off. You should be able to stay friends, but get the
notion that Larry is a reasonable partner for you out of your mind.
Issue Date: November 2 - 8, 2001
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