Archive
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Where the boys are
by Rudy Cheeks
![[Dr. Lovemonkey]](/standard/image/headers/LOVEMONKEY.gif)
Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm 26 years old and had been going and then living with a guy for the past
five years. We broke up five months ago and it has taken this long to feel like
I'm ready to meet someone else, or to at least consider a relationship. I feel
stymied getting back into the dating scene. Do you have any suggestions as to
go out and meet some guys?
Dear Out of It,
The best way to go about meeting someone is to engage in group activities. Go
out (with a bunch of friends, if possible) to places where activities that you
enjoy will be taking place. This way, if you see someone who catches your eye,
you'll most likely have a similar interest. Dr. Lovemonkey thinks this is far
less stressful than plunging immediately into one-on-one situations. If you are
with a group of friends, there's less pressure and you can enjoy yourself even
without sparking a connection with someone new. Eventually, you'll notice
people who will interest you, and someone will undoubtedly notice you and
become interested. Good luck.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
There's a woman I work with who I'm very attracted to. She's 22, I'm 23,
and, at times, she seems to be interested in me. The
problem is, it's well known that she has "gotten around" with quite a few
guys, although she's been telling me that she'd really like to be involved with
a true love in an exclusive relationship.
I have actually danced around the subject of her going out with me a few
times, but whenever I do this, it appears her enthusiasm isn't really there.
She's really nice and good-looking and has no problem attracting men. I just
don't know where I stand with her and I'm a little reluctant to really stick my
heart out only to get it broken.
Does this sound like a situation where she's been just sort of stringing me
along (she has been friendly and engaged in what I would consider "flirting"
quite a few times when we talk), or am I just reading too much into this?
Dear Stumped,
Her pattern of behavior suggests that she's a bit insecure and desires regular
attention from a variety of men to make herself feel good. Maybe she does want
to have a regular, exclusive relationship, but her insecurity keeps getting in
the way. So, ultimately, her behavior is self-defeating.
My advice would be to keep a certain emotional distance. Go ahead and ask her
out, but don't expect that it will necessarily lead to anything. Expect little
and, by all means, do not come on strong. Keep your distance (emotional and
otherwise). She already knows that you're interested in her. By playing it cool
and not appearing eager, she may become more interested in you. Don't stop and
talk to her as frequently, and see if she starts showing more interest in
you.
The most important thing is to not get too emotionally involved with this
woman at this time. She doesn't sound like she's ready for something on a
steady basis, despite her claim that that is what she's looking for.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I just graduated from college last year and have been in a relationship for
three years. I find that I'm falling now for a guy who I became friendly with
in college. He's in a wheelchair, which is one of the reasons I'm attracted to
him. He's very sensitive and funny.
I had a fling with him and I told my boyfriend (we're engaged to be married
this winter). My boyfriend forgave me, but I just can't get the other guy out
of my mind. Please help!
Dear Totally Confused,
What's the problem? You've got a fantasy relationship with someone you've
never met. He's encouraging you to pursue the actual flesh and blood human you
met. It's a no-brainer. In the world of romance (and most everything else), Dr.
Lovemonkey thinks real life trumps cyber-life every time.
Issue Date: October 19 - 25, 2001
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