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Not gifted
by Rudy Cheeks
![[Dr. Lovemonkey]](/standard/image/headers/LOVEMONKEY.gif)
Send me your problems in care of Dr. Lovemonkey at the Providence Phoenix,
150 Chestnut Street, Providence, RI 02903, or by e-mail to
rcheeks[a]phx.com.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My problem is that I have a boyfriend of five years, on and off, and he's
never given me nothing -- no flowers, candy, etc. I love the guy, but he has
never been romantic with me. He tells me he loves me and I know he does, 'cuz
he always calls to see if I'm okay, comes with me to do things, and so on, but
I don't understand why he hasn't given me anything. I know this sounds corny,
but I need to feel loved.
Dear Anonymous,
Some guys are just brain dead about this sort of thing. He needs a nudge. Have
you ever let him know how romantic and thoughtful you thought it was when
someone else received flowers, gifts, etc.? Another way to jolt him into
consciousness would be for you to give him candy or flowers. Or maybe if you
mentioned to a mutual friend that you'd love to receive little gifts from him
now and then, this person might pass it on to your boyfriend and that light
bulb would go on in his brain.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'd like to ask some questions. I broke up with my girlfriend about a month
ago. We were together for six weeks. Starting was sweet. She was my first love,
and I was her first - I'm 22, she's 19. We knew one another barely for three
weeks before we started a relationship. On the second day, she told me she was
afraid she might not like me for long. She said she was fickle.
Her friend, who was 81, told her not to worry and said everything would be
fine. We both ceased worrying about her fickle nature. We met three times that
week.
On the second week, school started for her. That was when problems started
since she was busy, and I was busy with other things. From the second to the
fifth week, we met up about one or two times a week. We communicated on the
telephone often, sometimes talking for five or six hours. Meanwhile, my
girlfriend's best friend broke up with her boyfriend. The friend upset my
girlfriend by claiming that she was not concerned enough about her. They stayed
together at the hostel, and the friend tried to keep us apart.
During the sixth week, my girlfriend said we shouldn't see each other for a
week. At the end of the week, she wanted to break up. She said she didn't miss
me at all during that week. She liked me a lot at first, maybe for the first
three weeks, but then I became a stranger to her. Also, she didn't like
physical contact such as hugging or holding hands. I think I went too fast.
What is this about? Is it due to her best friend being jealous and sad,
causing her stress that made her lose interest in me, or was it due to me not
spending enough time with her? Or was it really a just a crush on me by my
girlfriend? Or was it because she fell for another guy?
We haven't talked for three weeks. I don't know how to convince her that I
want to have a worthwhile relationship with her. I wish to at least find out if
she is my soul mate. If she isn't, then I'll move on. I seek your advice.
Dear John,
Neither you, nor your ex-girlfriend, seem ready for the kind of major
relationship that you're longing for. These things need to develop slowly and
naturally. It seems that you were moving too fast and she was unsure of exactly
what she was getting into. The whole notion of "taking the best friend out of
the picture" is a sign of emotional immaturity on your part.
Back off and slowly attempt to retain a friendship with her, if you can. Do
not force the issue. You need to get to know each other better as friends. If
she's willing to hang out with you in a non-romantic context, that would be
fine. Sometimes you can back up and reconnect in a reasonable way, but
sometimes you can't. There should be no talk or even thoughts of "soul mates"
at this time. You need to realize that you're only 21 and have a whole life and
a variety of adventures in front of you. Slow down and enjoy them.
Issue Date: October 12 - 18, 2001
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