Dear Help,
Your husband and you have let the romance dissipate from your marriage. You have allowed this other guy to get into your head. But it's no secret that most every infatuation is much more exciting when it is new.

Of course, whether the exhilaration you're experiencing during this initial stage will evolve into something lasting, deep, and real is another story. That's why it's important to ask yourself: Do you feel that you have something of real value with your husband, even while being deeply disappointed by the lack of romance and intimacy?

It's not too late to try and revive the relationship. Plan on doing some fun things together. Take that shot of energy you're getting from this sudden infatuation with someone else and redirect it toward your husband. Give it a try and see if he responds. If he still won't pay attention, confront him and suggest counseling. Try to salvage what you've got. Your husband sounds like he's probably good and true, but he needs a shove.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm in love with my gardener. He's been with me for some time now and I have been unable to express my feelings for him because I'm intimidated by the huge gap in social status. Also, I think my husband would find out. Do you happen to know if there is some sort of professional no-fraternization rule with gardeners like there is with doctors, lawyers, and the clergy?

Dear M.L.,
Of course, there's a strict non-fraternization policy in the gardening profession, and in virtually every agricultural vocation. Dr. Lovemonkey recalls hearing the tale of the foreman on an eggplant farm who started a relationship with a world famous novelist. When the other eggplant farmers found out about his affair, he became persona non grata in the global eggplant community. This farmer was spurned from coast to coast, and as word rapidly spread overseas, he was reduced to sailing about the seven seas in a dangerously leaky ship, being turned away at each port. Finally, he took his own life by leaping headfirst 75 feet into a giant vat of frozen Stouffer's Tex-Mex Party Lasagna. (Why someone would have a giant vat of Stouffer's Tex-Mex Party Lasagna in their warehouse-like basement is still a mystery.)

You may think your end of society is rigidly stratified and unforgiving, but take a cue from the eggplant community -- give your gardener an opportunity to retain his social status and return to your husband's bosom.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been going out with a guy for the past two years, and for the past nine months or so, he's been spending an increasing amount of time downloading Asian pornography on his computer. In particular, he's interested in what appears to be girls who are 12, 13, or 14. At the same time, he's had less and less interest in a social or sexual life with me. (I am Caucasian, blonde, and in my mid-20s). How do I get him to pay attention to me?

Dear Confused,
You could go to Johns Hopkins and demand a race change. Hey, I'm kidding, but I don't think your boyfriend is. Not only is this not indicative of a sexually healthy person, but it sounds like the stuff he's into is also illegal. Buy him some Cibo Matto and early Shonen Knife CDs, and then tell him to leave and never darken your towels again.

Issue Date: September 21 - 27, 2001