Dear Pamela,
I happened to read the same story (it was in the September 9 issue of the Times, for those who'd like to check it out). I also recall reading, some years ago, a review of a book mentioned in the article, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris, that deals with some of the same issues and has apparently been one of the inspirations for this "movement."

That the vast majority of young people attracted to this manner of courtship are also fundamentalist Christians who've been home-schooled indicates that this is a fringe movement. The young couple spotlighted in the article, a 20-year-old male and 14-year-old female (he used to babysit her), said, "God had told them" they were meant to marry each other. In fact, God was quite busy informing a number of people in both of their families that this was a done deal.

It seems to Dr. Lovemonkey that this sort of arranged marriage could perhaps work for those people whose priority is a rigid religious orthodoxy, because their entire lives will be proscribed by it. But if one of the parties grows counter to the strict religious perspective, trouble would certainly rear its ugly head. You can't totally escape emotional and spiritual risk and, Dr. Lovemonkey would argue, taking emotional and spiritual risk is necessary to becoming a fully conscious and caring human being.

For most people who have grown up in this culture, the idea of free will and learning through trial and error is inherently part of the maturation process. I'm also quite skeptical of those who are so certain of their relationship with God. I know many people who believe that their spiritual life is of utmost importance and they are serious searchers in that sense. None of them have demonstrated the level of certitude exhibited by the people in this story. This is a fundamentalist religious phenomenon, not a social or cultural one.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am 17 years old and have been going out with a guy (he's 18) since around last Christmas, or in other words, about nine months. But in the last couple of weeks, I've become incredibly attracted to a 22-year-old guy I met at a party. I know that he feels strongly about me too, and you can feel the strong attraction whenever we're together. We haven't done anything about it yet, but I am now finding myself in a very uncomfortable situation. It's not that I'm having problems with my boyfriend, it's just that I don't feel as strongly about him as I do about this new guy. What should I do?

Dear Don't Know,
You're 17 years old. You're going to find and meet a lot of attractive people now and in the future. What your dilemma says to me is that, for you, the idea of a committed relationship isn't a good idea right now. You should tell the guy you've been going with that the relationship is too serious for where you're at in your life now and that you'd prefer to keep your dating on a more casual level.

It is entirely likely that neither your current boyfriend nor your big new crush is ultimately for you. That doesn't mean that you can't hang out with one, the other, or both of them. Just try to keep things less intense, because there are many adventures and opportunities to grow in front of you. There are many interesting and attractive people out there, and if things work out, you'll get the opportunity to meet a number of them. Keep your options open and have fun.

Issue Date: September 14 - 20, 2001