"I want death to find me planting my cabbages." These words, by the cranky 16th-century thinker Michel de Montaigne, are no less poignant for the fact that Montaigne never planted a cabbage in his life. What the philosopher meant, of course, is that Life Goes On. This past year, with death hanging over us like a chad, many of us took Montaigne's apothegm to heart, going about the business of our daily lives -- shopping at the mall, paying bills, trawling Internet porn sites -- in the face of constant threat.

Lately, though, there have been signs that war-induced jitters are beginning to take their toll. A woman gets a pimple on her ass and the CDC comes a-running. A man spends a little too much time in the tanning salon and he's rounded up and shipped to Yemen. The government announces plans to go through our trash looking for E-Z Anthrax kits and detonator fuses. North Korea ships a few harmless Scuds to Iran and suddenly it's a rogue state. And it's only going to get worse.

In 2003, the most banal activities will be tinged with existential dread. Every bristling mustache will call to mind VX stockpiles. Every missing eyeball will bring with it unhappy thoughts of the Taliban. What would Montaigne say? Possibly something like, "A wise man sees as much as he ought, not as much as he can," or "There are defeats more triumphant than victories." Eventually, we'd get sick of him and tell him to get back to his damn cabbages. And that, perhaps, is what we should all be doing.

JANUARY

1: Providence's First Night festivities are marred by concern over a possible biological attack after scores of revelers become drowsy and
disoriented. A team of health experts later determines that the afflicted celebrants were just bored.

3: Responding to news footage of heavily bearded internees being led

into the Guantánamo Bay detention center, Attorney General John Ashcroft confirms the recent arrest of 3000 secret Santas.

7: A violent storm dumps four feet of snow on the Boston area, wreaking havoc on roadways and causing power outages that affect thousands. As the local death toll climbs to 17, Governor Mitt Romney holds an emergency press conference, hailing the "excellent" skiing conditions.

14: The Mugar Omni Theater presents the world's first-ever pornographic Omnimax film. Critic Roger Ebert gives Journey to Labia Minora "three thumbs up."

19: The world reaches the brink of war as weapons inspectors in Iraq encounter a locked room at one of Saddam Hussein's palaces. Tensions subside when it becomes clear that the room contains the Iraqi leader himself, who is in there taking a crap.

21: The Hubble Telescope, trained on the distant Barbon Galaxy, gives astronomers a glimpse into the Centralis Arterios Projectium, the largest black hole in the known universe.

24: The Qatar-based TV network Al Jazeera announces it will concentrate more on the youth market, then airs Wild on Karachi, hosted by Brooke Burqua, in which teenagers are shown baring their ankles and wrists, and waving their Kalashnikovs suggestively.

28: Style maven Martha Stewart finds herself in more hot water as UN weapons inspectors discover a secret Iraqi biological-weapons site equipped with sophisticated dried-apricot-and-parsley air purifiers.

FEBRUARY

3: Former vice-president Al Gore announces he will host a new chat show on NBC. In its first week, Policy Matters scores the lowest Nielsen ratings in television history. A defiant Gore claims that "Americans are starving for substance" and demands a recount.

6: In a Movieline interview, Journey to Labia Minora narrator Leonard Nimoy threatens to sue Omnimax, insisting that he was told the film was about whitewater rafting in Morocco. "I was fooled by their double-entendres," he says, citing his frequent use of such terms as "wet," "wild," "hot," and "ball-gobbling frenzy."

9: Rumors that Bernard Cardinal Law was spotted playing three-card monte on the Boston Common remain unsubstantiated.

15: A Maybelline manufacturing plant in Little Rock, Arkansas, explodes, sending a lethal wave of Maximum Lash surging through surrounding neighborhoods. The incident, in which more than 750 people perish, is immediately dubbed "The St. Valentine's Day Mascara."

17: President George W. Bush threatens to use nuclear weapons on the city of Reykjavík, saying Iceland's prime minister, David Oddsson, "looked at me funny."

20: IFC Films follows up on the success of My Big Fat Greek Wedding with a darker sequel, in which the heroine (Janeane Garofalo), having been raped by her brother (Macaulay Culkin), really does stab herself in the eye with a red-hot poker. In its first weekend, My Big Fat Greek Tragedy out-earns Jim Carrey's much anticipated Al Qaeda-basketball comedy Islam Dunk.

26: President Bush declares Iceland a rogue state, saying it has joined France and Spain in the "axis of irksome."

MARCH

2: Presidential hopeful John Kerry, in an interview on 60 Minutes, comes very close to smiling.

6: Director Peter Jackson denies that his Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers cashed in on the 9/11 attacks, noting that The Two Towers was in J.R.R. Tolkien's original title. He goes on to say that the next installment in the trilogy, Lord of the Rings: Showdown with Iraq, will have "absolutely nothing" to do with current events.

8: Al Jazeera airs its new reality-based TV show, The bin Ladens.

11: Secretary of State Colin Powell reportedly irks his White House colleagues by calling President Bush "a complete fucking imbecile" and the potential war with Iraq "all about the oil."

15: As war with Iraq looms, Vice-President Dick Cheney negotiates in Saudi Arabia, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice consults with the emir of Kuwait, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld rallies US troops in Djibouti, and Colin Powell visits a colostomy-bag manufacturer in Pottstown, Pennsylvania.

19: A US Navy frigate intercepts a North Korean cargo ship carrying 120,000 Björk CDs.

25: The Academy Awards descend into turmoil as Eminem, picking up a Best Actor award for 8 Mile, gags on his gum. As Moby leaps on stage to perform the Heimlich maneuver, the stricken Detroit rapper yells a homophobic obscenity and bludgeons the electronica star with his Oscar, which, along with Winona Ryder, goes missing during the melee.

APRIL

1: Senator Joseph Lieberman holds a press conference to announce that he believes he has an "excellent chance" of winning the presidency, adding, "April fools!"

3: Under fire from gay-rights groups, a contrite Eminem tells reporters that he was misquoted after the Academy Awards disturbance. "My client actually called Mr. Moby a `maggot,' " remarks the rapper's attorney, Gib Schnitzel. " `A cock-sucking maggot.' "

4: As the US moves closer to war with Iraq, the international community presses for evidence that Iraq has violated UN agreements. In an unprecedented press conference, the White House presents a "reliable source," her face obscured, to announce, "Saddam, he cahn' fool me! Wat ya tink, Miss [deleted] playin? Pick up yer credit cards nah an sen he devil-weapon mahn a message!"

11: Los Angeles International Airport is evacuated when a security guard discovers a suspicious suitcase in the men's room. The crisis subsides when the suspected dirty bomb turns out to be luggage containing actor David Caruso's socks.

17: Besieged by financial problems, John Henry Williams, son of the late Ted Williams, starts selling off his father's toes.

23: Investigative reporter Seymour Hersh publishes a 19-page New Yorker piece, in which he claims that Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge is actually Barbara Bush in disguise. "The physical resemblance," Hersh writes, "is conclusive."

28: Two hundred people are taken ill aboard a Carnival cruise ship. Concerns about the Norwalk virus abate, however, when it is confirmed that the widespread vomiting and nausea aboard the ship were the result of a musical set by Mariah Carey.

MAY

3: New Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein vigorously denies a conflict of interest in his presiding over the Red Sox and playing outfield for the Pawtucket Pee Wees.

6: John Poindexter, head of the government's Total Information Awareness project, rails against John McCain for calling the agency "intrusive," and claims the senator hasn't changed his underwear in three days.

12: Francis O'Fornica, a recently defrocked Catholic priest, demands his frock back.

13: Billy Bulger holds a press conference to defend his brother Whitey, saying, "Fie, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a colossus, and we petty men walk under his huge legs and peep about to find ourselves dishonorable graves."

16: Chaos breaks out in the White House press room when Colin Powell, responding to aggressive questioning about his recent outburst, tosses General Tommy Franks into the press pool.

24: Red Sox GM Theo Epstein promises Red Sox success in the upcoming season, calling the team "kinda neat," and praising the "awesome skills" of his new 13-year-old shortstop, Willie McGinny.

JUNE

1: Concerns about Alan Greenspan's mental health mount as the Federal Reserve chair says the US economy is in "fine shape," citing "fiscally sound companies like Enron, Arthur Andersen, WorldCom, and Kmart."

10: A teenage boy in Biloxi, Mississippi, sues Britney Spears, alleging repetitive-stress injury to his wrist.

12: Angelina Jolie appears on the Today show with the finger of her new lover, Harvey Keitel, hanging on a piece of string around her neck. Meanwhile, Jolie's latest movie, It Girl, Interrupted, launches speculation that the actress has had some lip work done. "Her mouth looks like a two-kielbasa dinner," remarks one critic.

14: Alan Greenspan, responding to a question about a potential hike in interest rates, says, "I'm not wearing any socks."

16: Seventy-five members of the Boston archdiocese come down with the West Nile virus. Health experts attribute the outbreak to "eating too much crow."

19: The US goes to war with Iraq. Three days later, after a battle that claims zero casualties on either side, Saddam Hussein says, "I quit" and flees to Iceland. Osama bin Laden, upon seeing images of flower-toting Iraqi children dancing through the streets of Baghdad, releases a statement saying, "I got it wrong about the US," and promising to "clean up my act."

27: A devastating heat wave sweeps the nation, killing dozens and forcing Christina Aguilera to remove her last remaining item of clothing.

JULY

9: The Luxembourg daily Tageblatt publishes a Styles article asking, "Would Mohammed have worn jeans?" Infuriated, Osama bin Laden calls for "worldwide jihad against the denim-clad crusaders."

14: A bricklayer in Prattstown, Illinois, sues CNN, alleging he fell asleep and cracked his head open during Larry King Live.

16: A weepy Red Sox GM Theo Epstein defends his decision to hold weekly raves on Yawkee Way, telling reporters, "You aren't the boss of me."

20: Al Jazeera airs the first episode of Jihadass, in which teenage boys perform stunts such as blowing themselves up on buses.

25: The economy takes a nosedive following revelations in the Wall Street Journal that the McDonald's hamburger chain has inflated the number of burgers sold.

30: The long-running Whitey Bulger saga draws to a bloody close as Bulger, walking through downtown Tunis, is blown up by a CIA Predator drone. Asked how the CIA was able to identify the Boston crime lord -- who was wearing a black beard, long robe, and crocheted topi on his head -- a spokesman says, "We thought he was, er, someone else."

AUGUST

3: Jennifer Lopez, appearing on Letterman to address reports that she is calling off her engagement to Ben Affleck, says, "I just want to say that Ben O'Fleck and I will remain dear friends." England's Prince William applauds enthusiastically from the audience.

8: Rumors circulate that Eminem's celebrity has made him lose his edge. "What kind of rapper," remarks hip-hop's Nelly on MTV, "rhymes `bitches' with `britches'?"

11: North Korea ships 20 nuclear-tipped Scud missiles to Iran. White House press secretary Ari Fleischer calls the shipment "regrettable."

14: John Poindexter, head of the Total Information Awareness project, rails against those who have taken to calling him "The Beltway Snooper."

16: The pope refuses Bernard Law's quest for sainthood. "Though impressive," says Vatican spokesman Ilio Venturra, "making pedophiles disappear does not qualify as a miracle."

18: Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge raises the nation's alert status to red, citing an increase in terrorist "chatter." Faced with an increasingly skeptical public, Ridge releases an audiotape of Osama bin Laden and Ayman Al-Zawahiri discussing itchy beards, the price of mutton, and Al Jazeera's new hit show Survivor: Yemen.

26: Michael Jackson makes international headlines after he offers Harrison Ford $25 million for his nose.

28: Buddy Cianci calls prison life "unbearable and inhumane," and demands immediate access to a profile writer.

SEPTEMBER

5: Cash-strapped media mogul Ted Turner offers to provide $20 million to send 'N Sync vocalist Lance Bass to the International Space Station. "In space," Turner explains, "no one can hear you sing."

7: North Korea ships 50,000 thumbscrews to Kazakhstan. Ari Fleischer calls the shipment "less than ideal."

12: Fox TV airs its special report One Year and One Day After One Year After: Aftermath, in which Bill O'Reilly falls into the World Trade Center footprint and breaks a tooth. "Will we ever be able to face another September 11," asks CNN's Wolf Blitzer, "without laughing hysterically?"

17: Dr. Christiane Northrup follows up on her best-selling book The Wisdom of Menopause with The Sagacity of the Hysterectomy.

21: The Boston archdiocese finds itself embroiled in yet another scandal as the Boston Herald alleges the local Catholic church has been running a statewide gambling ring. Interim bishop Richard Lennon calls BINGO BROUHAHA "a wicked fabric of lies."

25: Thierry Meyssan, the French author of last year's L'effroyable imposture, in which he claimed the US was behind the 9/11 terrorist attacks, publishes L'imposture effroyable, in which he claims the attacks were perpetrated by a secret Jewish cabal headed by Woody Allen.

30: Eminem is assassinated by a sales clerk as he purchases a $4000 Versace hooded sweatshirt. Police suspect the involvement of the gay mafia.

OCTOBER

1: North Korea ships 300 barrels of Ebola-infected cow urine to Libya.
Ari Fleischer calls the shipment "not great."

8: An area hospital comes under investigation following revelations that one of its surgeons left a patient on the operating table while he went to Foxwoods.

16: Red Sox GM Theo Epstein says that baseball needs to develop a "social conscience" and pledges to help with the rebuilding effort in Afghanistan by sending 14 tons of Legos.

20: More scandal at Buckingham Palace as reports circulate that Prince Philip gave one of the royal corgis a champagne enema while the queen videotaped the episode with a camera she pilfered from the home of Prince Charles's transvestite lover, Binky, who says that the prince offered her 14 PCP-laced marijuana cigarettes to assassinate Princess Diana. A Palace spokesman calls the allegations "largely untrue."

23: Jennifer Lopez announces her engagement to Ellen DeGeneres.

25: Al Qaeda continues its trend toward "softer" targets, launching a rocket attack on Fitzy, an Airedale terrier belonging to Finnish dry cleaner Yaari Haanpaaa.

27: Major League Baseball officials admit they are at a loss to explain the technical glitch that led to this year's all-New York Yankees World Series line-up. More controversy surrounds the one-sided game as Derek Jeter accuses Jason Giambi of causing him to break a nail.

28: In a press conference, United Airlines spokesman Jeremy Poddle insists the ailing carrier can still provide "adequate service," despite having replaced its fleet of aircraft with 400 used Geo Metros.

30: Al Gore scores a hit with his new book, The 7 Habits of Extremely Ineffective People.

NOVEMBER

5: President Bush is hospitalized after he chokes on the word "Uzbekistan."

9: North Korea leader Kim Jong-il threatens the US with imminent attack by biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons, saying, "I will not rest until American cities run with blood, until I can hear the screams of the Yankee oppressors as they gasp their last agonizing breath." Ari Fleischer calls the announcement "a bit much."

20: Boston Mayor Thomas Menino, responding to criticism that he hasn't done enough to prepare for the 2004 Democratic Convention, pledges to spend the next two years blowing up balloons.

23: New England Patriots manager Bill Belichick, whose team is 0-11 in the AFL East, says he is "distraught" over Tom Brady's decision to quit the Pats and become a Chippendales dancer.

27: Owisakasaka, often described as "the Japanese Eminem," is lambasted in the Japanese press for his "obscene and disrespectful" new single, "Sheesh," in which Owisakasaka raps, "Mother tells me do my homework/I cannot shirk the homework."

29: A plot to blow up the Statue of Liberty is foiled when an Al Qaeda sleeper cell in New York reportedly forgets to set its alarm clock.

DECEMBER

2: Al Gore, Jane Swift, and Bernard Law attempt to raise their flagging public profiles by appearing in a controversial sketch on Saturday Night Live. In the skit, Law tears up a picture of the pope and says, "Screw him," to which Swift replies, "I'll have my aides screw him," while Gore recommends the formation of a congressional committee on papal screwing.

11: Trent Lott, attending Strom Thurmond's 101st-birthday celebration, praises the "bold leadership" of Vlad the Impaler.

16: For the second-straight year, the White House announces that footage from the so-called Barney Cam -- a video camera attached to the Bush's dog Barney -- will be broadcast on the Web. Interest in the project flags, however, when viewers tire of seeing images of Dick Cheney's crotch.

21: Time magazine names Bernard Law its Persona Non Grata of the Year.

25: Christmas Day celebrations are marred by the news that, the previous night, 45 people were trampled to death trying to buy Hans Blix Bend-i toys at a New Jersey Wal-Mart. "Those Blixes were hot," says store manager Larry Kluck. "Hot."

27: Osama bin Laden is killed when he chokes on a pretzel and blacks out, knocking over his Kalashnikov rifle in the process, which discharges a burst of automatic gunfire, shooting out Mullah Omar's other eye and causing the now-completely-blind cleric to cry, "Americans!" This causes three of bin Laden's bodyguards to come rushing in, one of whom accidentally steps on the prostrate terrorist leader's testicles, causing him to scream out, "Holy shit!" -- a crime punishable by death under shari'a.

30: Al Jazeera airs the bin Laden incident on Funniest Jihadi Videos, scoring its highest ratings ever.

Chris Wright can be reached atcwright[a]phx.com.

Issue Date: January 3 - 9, 2003