I have taken to reading the personal ads.

It's a funny thing, this new habit of mine. I have no intention of answering an ad. Indeed, I find the whole personals realm a curious method of meeting a potential partner -- although if I am to believe what the ads say, there are a striking number of intelligent, in shape, well-traveled, and highly romantic people floating about who'd really like to take me to a candle-lit dinner at a cozy restaurant in Newport. But I digress. The fact is, whether I intend to answer them or not, I'm reading the ads. And rolling my eyes. A lot. Maybe it's just the editor in me, but it appears that writing these things is a whole lot harder than it looks, because no one seems able to come up with a single original thing to say.

I am taking it upon myself, therefore, to offer my services as a personals-writing coach. Actually, "coach" is perhaps not entirely accurate. I have no particular thoughts on what you should write in your personal ad -- I mean, I don't even know you. But let me tell you this: I have plenty to say about what you shouldn't.

1) "I enjoy moonlight walks." Really? Moonlight walks? When's the last time you got off the couch at nine o'clock, pulled a pair of sneakers out of the closet, turned off the must-see TV, and took yourself on a little neighborhood tour that didn't involve getting your dog to shit as quickly as possible in the bushes next to your apartment so that you could get the hell back inside? Yeah, that's romantic.

2) "Seeking a woman equally comfortable in a cocktail dress and sweats and slippers." Okay, first of all, that woman doesn't exist. No one is equally comfortable in a cocktail dress and sweats and slippers. You try wearing pantyhose and Manolo Blahniks for three hours and see if you get my point. Plus, you're really looking for a woman who's grown attached to pants made out of fleece? Methinks not.

3) "I love sitting by a roaring fire." I'd like to take a survey of the people who say this; what percentage of them actually has access to a working fireplace? And anyway, is this supposed to be an appealing hobby? Is it supposed to suggest great personal warmth? Because the only people I know of who spend significant amounts of time sitting in front of the fire are people who wiped out on their first run down the mountain, and people who're too lazy to shovel the driveway so they can leave the house to get groceries.

4) "I enjoy working out." Have you been to the gym lately? Ain't no one there who looks like they're enjoying themselves. All that sweat, all that grunting, all those slippery machines -- I mean, sure, we go, but it's not like we're skipping merrily from treadmill to StairMaster, thinking how lucky we are to be there. A more likely translation: the writer of this ad is either body-obsessed or doesn't have enough real interests to fill a 30-word blurb. Either way, doesn't look like such a stellar catch to me.

5) "I like weekend getaways." Um, doesn't this kind of go without saying? Have you ever read a personal ad that said, "I try to leave home as little as possible"?

6) "I'm looking for friendship, maybe more." Maybe more? That's called hedging your bets, people. You are looking for more, or you'd be hanging out with your buddies, not placing a personal ad. You're just leaving your options open in case he/she isn't good-looking enough.

7) "I'm an ex-football-pro." Do you really need me to comment here?

8) "I enjoy independent films." Well. Apparently you are not allowed to take out a personal ad if you don't enjoy independent films. You'd think with so many self-proclaimed art-house aficionados on the loose, indie movies would be making more than, like, $357 apiece. Come on. You know two-thirds of these people are going to see The Hot Chick.

9) "My weight is proportional to height." So if you're four-feet-three and 68 pounds, there won't be any surprises.

10) "I like the finer things in life." As opposed to all the people who just like crap.

11) "I'm tired of the bar scene." Is it that you're tired of the bar scene, or just tired of stumbling home alone after five Jack-and-Cokes and drunk-dialing your ex?

12) "I have it all, except for the right woman." All I have to say is, good luck dating this clown. What ever will you get him for Christmas?

13) "I enjoy long walks on the beach." It's amazing there's room to take a single step, what with all the people pouring onto our local beaches for long walks. It's funny, though; the last time I was at the beach, it looked like everyone was sacked out on the sand just like I was.

14) "I'm looking for that special someone." Just who the hell is this special someone everyone keeps referencing? This is one elusive woman, because everyone seems to be looking for her, and no one's having any luck. Perhaps you should be filling out a missing person's report instead of a personal ad?

After she returns from her moonlight walk home from an independent film and gets a roaring fire going, Tamara Wieder can be reached at twieder[a]phx.com.

Issue Date: December 6 - 12, 2002