These are trying times for America.

Since September 11, our lives have been altered in ways that would have seemed unimaginable a few short months ago. The national landscape is suddenly alien to us. It's as if history were a malevolent landscaper, digging up a few constitutional rights here, scattering the seeds of discontent there. But it's not only the landscape of America that has changed -- the face of America has changed, too, as have the thighs of America, and those irritating flaps of skin that hang down from America's upper arms. From head to toe, back yard to front lawn, America is a different place now than it was in the days before it changed.

Perhaps the most immediate change in the aftermath of September 11 is that we can no longer open a newspaper without encountering the words "in the aftermath." Research shows that the phrase has enjoyed the kind of spike unseen since "jive turkey" gained popularity in the 1970s. A search on the electronic database LexisNexis, for instance, reveals that, in a single week in mid December, there were no fewer than 994 news stories containing a combination of the words "in the aftermath" and "September 11." That's 992 more hits than turned up in a search for "George Bush" and "idiot."

Such is the profound effect the terrorist attacks have had on the United States.

A few short months ago, we were still in the midst of an unprecedented spell of peace and prosperity. Crime was at its lowest level in decades. The Internet promised to revolutionize the way Americans masturbated. Gourmet coffee flowed freely. Birds twittered. Children ran through the streets brandishing tulips and marigolds. We in Boston were troubled by nothing more dire than another awful Red Sox season. And yet we had no real sense of how awful "awful" can be. Awful, we understand now, can be truly awful. More awful, even, than Morgan Burkhart's batting average.

And so, as we leave 2001 -- our annus horribilis -- behind, many Americans are wondering what in God's name a horrible anus has to do with anything. Many more, however, are asking themselves what we, as Americans, can look forward to in the year ahead. Should we flitter into 2002 like jittery sparrows? Should we stride into the New Year like stouthearted warriors? Should we stride into 2002 like stouthearted sparrows or flitter in like jittery warriors? There are no easy answers to these questions. The only sure thing is this: in the aftermath of September 11, America remains resolute (54 hits), proud (549 hits), and strong ("This search has been interrupted because it will return more than 1000 documents").

These are trying times, yes, but they are also New Times, and we Americans love new things. America's New Cabbage, America's New Screwdriver -- doesn't matter. You could stock the shelves of the Salt Lake City Mormo-Mart with America's New Butt Plugs and they'd sell out before you could say, "Yeah, and the Lamanites smote the Lemuelites." The same goes for the New War. We predict that in 2002, the "New" tag will be used to justify everything from dropping Daisy Cutters on the Rock of Gibraltar to dispatching a super-secret task force to Kewanee, Illinois, to "take out" Gregory Podnik, who allegedly has ties to Bill Higgs, who is said to have "terrorized" Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in the eighth grade.

But it's not only in the arena of conflict that Americans will shine next year. After many months of exhaustive research, the Phoenix has unearthed ample evidence that 2002 is shaping up to be a fantastic year, rivaling that of 1782, the year the nation wallowed in the benefits of a bumper turnip crop. Here are a few of the areas to which we can look forward with hope, pride, and maybe even a little sexual arousal.

The military

The US military will indeed prove unexpectedly adept at facing the challenges presented by the New War. Gone are the days when troops trundled into battle armed with heavy artillery, machine guns, and tanks. As 2002 will bear out, modern wars will be fought with Palm Pilots and those little laser-pointer things that motivational speakers use. Super-secret "Prankster" units will undertake such missions as loosening the front wheels of enemy bicycles.

In general, the armed forces will move away from large, unwieldy battalions of troops to smaller, more mobile units. The First Infantry Division, currently based in Wiesbaden, Germany, will likely be replaced by a guy named Pat. And Pat will certainly have his work cut out for him. There will be many kinds of wars fought in many different parts of the world in the coming year -- mainly, for some reason, in Europe. Particularly snooty regions of Northern France will be bombarded with packets of American fast food; Spain, accused of harboring the singer Julio Iglesias, will endure punishing paella sanctions; and, after being denounced by Bush as "a buncha dope-smoking freaks," Holland will lose hundreds of its citizens to cycling-related accidents.

Technology

The most important technological development of 2002 will be "Ginger," New Hampshire inventor Dean Kamen's long-awaited hybrid of a lawnmower and a scooter. Just kidding. The hot invention this year will be Banthrax, a portable mail-irradiating device which, despite the third ear grown by a mailroom employee in Scratchee, Ohio, will be selling like hot cakes by year's end. Hot cakes, meanwhile, will suffer a severe slump.

Cloning will continue to make the news in 2002, particularly after revelations, in April, of a secret plan to send a thousand Celine Dions into the caves of Tora Bora to flush out remaining Al Qaeda die-hards. News that the military is developing a new 30,000-pound bomb, however, will get a less-than-enthusiastic response when investigative reporter Geraldo Rivera reveals that the new bomb is merely two 15,000-pound bombs duct-taped together. Afghanistan will be at the center of another important technological innovation: Tali-Ban, a super-strong deodorant said to counter the effects of the most stifling burqa.

The computer industry will receive a boost late in the year when Dell introduces a monitor that dispenses hand lotion and Kleenex. Microsoft will quickly follow suit with its vibrating laptop.

Politics

Bipartisanship will take a hit early in the year after Republican House majority whip Tom DeLay dope-slaps Senator Hillary Clinton following a row over a knish in a seedy Washington delicatessen, but politics will otherwise assume an air of bonhomie in 2002. For one thing, Republicans and Democrats alike will go on record wishing they had dope-slapped Hillary Clinton. Also, Americans will find themselves united against a common enemy: British prime minister Tony Blair, who infuriates the president by suggesting that Afghanistan has more than one syllable. Special Ops forces will reportedly be seen in the Northern English town of Cleethorpes, "fiddling," according to one local, "with our bloody bus shelters."

In March, Gary Condit will be seen shredding files in the wee hours at his DC office. In newspaper interviews, a Condit spokesman will insist that there was nothing sinister about the incident, explaining that the California congressman was shredding files in the middle of the night because "he has been unable to find an intern."

Bush's fortunes, meanwhile, will continue to soar after he approves "Operation Tee-Hee," which involves sending crack troops to Iraq to whitewash Saddam Hussein's windows. Taking advantage of Bush's 99.9 percent approval rating, America's PR chief Charlotte Beers -- who last year called Bush (no kidding) an "inspiring symbol of the brand" -- announces that President Bush will now be known as President Bush(TM). Any use of the president's name or image without prior permission, Vice-President Dick Cheney warns from his secret hideout, will be met with "grave consequences." The move will reportedly add $20 billion a year to the nation's coffers.

The economy

The economy will go from strength to strength in 2002. Although the Dow Jones will lose a third of its value by June, things will look up in August as foreign sales of Dean Kamen's much-anticipated scooter generate up to 20 billion lira in revenue. Alan Greenspan's decision to reduce interest rates to minus-five percent will boost home sales, and tech stocks will soar after Gateway unveils its Amazing X-Ray computer monitor ("Sees through clothes!"). The number of visits to Paula Poundstone's home page, meanwhile, will plummet.

Wall Street will react favorably to reports that the Pentagon has approved a contract to supply the Russian military with 500 to 700 Celine Dions -- with a possible 250 Fred Dursts to follow. Some jitters will arise later in the year when a tabloid photographer catches Bush holding the Social Security "Lock Box" upside down and shaking it, but nerves calm when the president assures the nation that there are still "ample" funds in the Social Security "Sock."

Americans will heed President Bush's call to "spend like there's no tomorrow" in 2002. Among the year's hot consumer items will be novelty gas masks, luxury bomb shelters, fruit-flavored Cipro tablets, and sequined HAZMAT suits. US manufacturers will also continue to enjoy the fruits of an unexpectedly vibrant Afghan market, where a never-ending demand for cutting-edge fashion accessories -- including leg warmers, do-it-yourself hair-frosting kits, and fingerless gloves -- will send the US economy soaring.

The environment

Early in the year, the Massachusetts legislature will introduce a bill calling for the release of more ozone-depleting chemicals into the atmosphere. Despite violent objections from Greenpeace and other environmental groups, the move will receive widespread support from Bay State residents. "It's frickin' February and it's 80 frickin' degrees," says Bernie Magthorpe of Hull. "You'd have to be some kinda A-hole not to support global frickin' warming."

Following particularly boisterous Australia Day celebrations, an estimated two-thirds of Australia's male population will pass gas simultaneously, causing the atmosphere above New South Wales to ignite. The incident will kill 2000 people and singe the eyebrows of up to three million more. A class-action suit against Foster's Lager will be filed.

Cloning will come into the spotlight once again as an estimated 200 Jerry Lewises wash up on the shores of Le Havre, France. One of the volunteers involved in the massive clean-up effort will describe the scene as "harrowing." The FBI, meanwhile, will quiz executives of the Muscular Dystrophy Association on how their annual Jerry Lewis Telethon -- which netted upwards of $1.5 billion -- was broadcast live from 27 different countries.

The national mood

After a grumpy start to the year, the nation's mood will pick up considerably in the spring. A controversial study in the American Journal of Psychiatry will report that feelings of mutual benevolence in America are at their highest level since 1965. In June, a group calling itself the American Sympathetic Society (ASS) will take out an ad in the New York Times vowing that "no convenience-store clerk will go un-thanked, no old lady will cross the street unaided." Traffic in the nation's cities will come to a virtual standstill as old ladies are herded back and forth across the road. ASS will later face charges that many of the old ladies didn't want to cross the road. "They were weeping with gratitude," ASS founder Dwight Snipstrom will insist from his jail cell.

A follow-up article in the AJP will suggest that soaring benevolence has led to a serious downturn in humor. David Letterman will shock audiences when he gives them "10 Reasons to Weep with Joy and Gratitude" ("Number one: drinking iced tea on sunny days"). In December, Eminem's Kittens and Candy Canes will top the charts. The Detroit-born rapper will come under increasing criticism, however, for what some describe as "offensive" lyrics on the album, such as the much-cited passage where Eminem raps, "Driving to church with my buddy Dr. Dre/ We're 15 minutes late but/ What the hey!"

Entertainment

The summer's hot movies will include Burning Bush, in which Bush (Bruce Willis) goes on a commando mission to Yemen after President Ali Abdullah Saleh (Jeremy Irons) calls Bush's daughter (Mena Suvari) a "fatwa." By September, the catchphrase "Yemeni-ai-ay, motherf***er" will appear everywhere from Gap T-shirts to Burger King ads. Such violent fare, however, will generally be overshadowed by feel-good movies. In May, Die Hard director Richard Donner will release his Easy Livin', described in Entertainment Weekly as "a paean to drinking iced tea on sunny days." Not to be outdone, controversial director Spike Lee will begin work on Do the Right Thing II, in which an angel (Russell Crowe) reminisces about his days spent as a good-deed-doing youth (Haley Joel Osment).

Overall, Hollywood will experience a renewed sense of civic duty this year. In April, Quentin Tarantino will announce that he's giving up being an ex-movie director to do what he calls "meaningful" work. "I don't know," Tarantino tells Variety, "I'll work in the salt mines of New Jersey or something." A week later, Anne Heche will announce plans to travel to "a faraway jungle," where she will "administer first aid to, and possibly have sex with, sickly three-toed sloths." In February, the Grammys will erupt into chaos as a surprise performance by the Celine Dion Tabernacle Choir causes a stampede, injuring Courtney Love, Marlon Wayans, Dido, and four out of the five Backstreet Boys.

Literature

Following a relatively slow year in 2001, many literary controversies will arise in 2002. Norman Mailer will stun the publishing world in February with the announcement that he is starting work on a new novel called I, Mohammed. Oprah Winfrey will once again find herself at the center of a storm after Osama bin Laden's literary agent refuses to let her feature the terrorist leader's long-anticipated autobiography, My Jihad, on her show. Winfrey will later go on record calling bin Laden "an elitist." Dave Eggers and Saul Bellow will fall from favor following a well-publicized brawl in an East Village crêperie.

In the fall, comedian Chris Rock will publish a book called That's Nice ("You know what I like about white folks? I like the way they play tennis. White folks are some tennis players!"). The most talked-about book of the year, however, will be Harvard professor Helen Vendler's Poetry Shmoetry, in which she describes poetry as "boring and really difficult to read." In an interview with Talk magazine, Vendler will defend her position, saying, "Look, I've been reading this stuff for years -- Keats, Donne, Plath, Whitman -- and I can safely say that poetry is crap." In July, Chicken Soup for the Terrorist's Soul will become the best-selling book in US history.

Religion

Rumors that Dick Cheney has converted to Islam will be angrily denied by White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. In a press conference, a frothing Fleischer will insist that the vice-president has begun signing his name "Dick al-Cheney" to honor Al Gore, who was gravely injured early in the year in a beard-related accident. In March, the relevance of Louis Farrakhan will come into question after the Nation of Islam leader gives a speech lambasting "sloppy fried eggs, scratchy underwear, and yappy dogs."

It will be a tough year in general for the Islamic faith. In May, Iranian ayatollah Ali Khamenei, speaking on Larry King Live, will call September 11 "a public-relations nightmare," adding, "we have guys working night and day on this." Two months later, NBC will begin running pro-Islamic ads, in which such celebrities as Jerry Seinfeld, Nellie Furtado, and Norman Mailer give the thumbs-up sign and say, "There's no `isn't' in Islam." Whatever PR benefits the ad may provide will be scuppered, however, when a similar ad runs on the Al-Jazeera network, with the added phrase, "But there is an `eew!' in Jew."

Mormonism will suffer a PR setback of its own following a story in the July issue of the New Yorker, in which Seymour Hersh accuses followers of the religion of "trying to bore America to death." At a ceremony in Rome, the Pope will canonize Rudolph Giuliani. Giuliani, in Austerlitz to pick up a "Classical Composer of the Year" award, will say that he would be "delighted" to return the favor and canonize the Pope.

The law

In October, the FBI will spark a firestorm of controversy as it begins rounding up suspected Cher clones. Otherwise, the Bush administration's rigid approach to law and order will enjoy overwhelming support. In July, a national poll in USA Today will reveal that 68 percent of Americans approve of Attorney General John Ashcroft's proposed Hanging, Drawing & Quartering Center for Suspected Terrorists, in Alexandria, Virginia. Later in the year, Ashcroft will call his decision to outlaw abortion "a national-security issue," saying that the move is meant to protect "future fighters in our War Against Terrorism(TM)."

Calls to try Dick Cheney as a traitor will mount following the release of yet another Osama bin Laden tape, this one showing Cheney sitting cross-legged beside bin Laden and Cat Stevens, boasting (in Arabic) that "America suspects nothing! Ha ha ha ha HAAAA!" Speaking from his secret hideaway, Cheney will insist he was mistranslated. "What I actually remarked on that tape," he tells Larry King, "was that America will stop at nothing to apprehend suspects [in the September 11 terrorist attacks]," adding: "And I wasn't laughing demonically -- I was choking on a fig."

The war

Following centuries of autocratic rule, Middle Eastern terrorists will prove much more pliant than previously imagined. NO TERRORISTS signs posted around the nation's airports, for instance, will result in an almost complete cessation of airline-related terrorism. Signs that terrorist networks might be scraping the bottom of the barrel will appear when a mentally deficient Norwegian trout farmer is apprehended trying to board a bus in Buzzard's Neck, Arizona, armed with a can of shaving cream. Homeland Defense director Tom Ridge will insist, however, that the shaving cream could have been used to "bonk" someone on the head. "Americans," he continues, "must stay vigilant."

As summer draws to a close, terrorist networks worldwide will issue a statement saying, "We give up!" India, meanwhile, will go to war with Pakistan, China will go to war with Taiwan, Nigeria will go to war with Denmark, Argentina will go to war with Canada, England will go to war with France, and Russia will go to war with itself. By year's end, seven separate nuclear devices will have detonated at various spots around the world. Nonetheless, countless Americans will take to the streets to rejoice over the end of the terrorist threat, despite Tom Ridge's repeated admonition to "stay vigilant."

Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com..

Issue Date: January 4 - 10, 2002