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There’s an old adage, well known by anyone who works for US projects abroad, that is guaranteed to evoke malice from people in other countries — "We’re from the United States and we’re here to help." That and 30 dinars will get you a cup of Baghdad coffee with a gob of spit in it. Although our occupying, oh, excuse us, Mr. Bush, liberating, forces in Iraq have not quite been welcomed with the open arms, serenades to American glory, and fresh flowers envisioned by Rummy Rumsfeld and his prevaricating neo-con cronies, we have shown that we have no idea what the term "cultural differences" means. Not that you’d expect some no-neck Marine from Tuscaloosa to be up on Islamic lifestyles anymore than a farmer in Kirkuk would know who Martha Stewart is. ("Oooh, the beautiful lady who says, ‘And that’s a goood thing.’ ") First, we had our troops busting in on a bunch of half-clad Muslim women (meaning they only had on six scarves and two pairs of long johns) while searching for snipers, which didn’t go down too well with their brethren. And now they’re camped out in full riot gear on the steps of Baghdad’s Abu Hanifa mosque, the city’s holiest Sunni Muslim site, pointing guns at the locals. When it comes to acceptable social mores, that’s roughly the equivalent of having a gang of Iraqi cabdrivers drinking coffee, smoking hookahs, waving Uzis, and taking leaks on the side of St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Since Boy George and Rummy have no exit strategy and an undermanned occupation force, we’ve set up the brave people (and damn young ones, too) who serve our country to get shot. This for not realizing that "Allah Akbar!" doesn’t mean, "Fuck you!" They are all no doubt well meaning, but wisely on red alert every second, which means that little is needed to start a nasty situation. Meanwhile, the armchair chicken hawks who have never seen action, like Dubya the Dumb and his advisors, are rattling sabers back in DC. They’re trying to find a way to spirit a few papier-mâché weapons of mass destruction into a garage in Baghdad, so their weapons specialists can "find" them and prove the faux rationale for the death of more than 170 of our kids. As we’ve said before, you can bet that none of the names going on tombstones at Arlington are Wolfowitz, Perle, Kristol, Rumsfeld, Cheney, or Bush. Yeah, we got ya cultcha right here, Abu. Glad we won you over. Dealing down &J’s old pal, Representative Pat Shanley (hey, anyone in the General Assembly who remembers Jorge’s late, lamented band, the Fabulous Motels, and knows the dancers named the the Tampoons, is tops in our book) made a great point recently when he pointed out the number of unregistered casino lobbyists working the lounges and hallways of Halitosis Hall, including former PC and Celtics guard Kevin Stacom. If there was ever a case of playing "follow the money," this is it, and it looks like lots of people are hoping for a piece of that pie. It was encouraging to see Secretary of State Matt Brown get on the case of the folks representing Harrah’s and Lincoln Park, but we would feel a lot more confident if had he done so before Mr. Shanley’s remarks appeared in the Urinal. One would hope that there’s some kind of regular review of whose what is where, when, and how at the State House, as lobbyists are supposed to wear I.D. tags identifying them as such. While these may clash with their Armani suits, the tags are still required by law, and when you see someone who has cornered a key politician to press his or her case, these should be conspicuous by their absence. Lobbyists rank right up their with used car salesmen and Bush administration policy advisors in the credibility derby, and often rightly so. (Although we were glad to see that another old pal, Guy Dufault, had done the right thing in registering.) It may seem like small cheese on the grand scale of political legerdemain to avoid officially listing yourself as a lobbyist. But it’s one of the little things that soon germinate into greased palms, Red Sox tickets, and dinners at the Capital Grille on the cuff of a hired gun. Ramp it up, Matt, it’s your job. Want cardboard with that? The Wall Street Journal’s editorial pages came down on a major issue on Monday, June 2, one that is sure to have a major impact on everyone’s lives and shows the gravity of the paper’s deep thinkers and opinion-shapers. (P&J have not turned into neo-cons; rather, our paperboy mistakenly left the WSJ instead of the Times that day.) In a Disneyesque moment in Italy addressed by the editorial, the Italian headquarters of McDonald’s has brought a defamation suit against a food critic from Milan’s La Stampa paper, Edoardo Raspelli. It seems Raspelli had the lack of taste (or recognition of bad taste) to call Mickey D.’s "oppressive to the palate." He also called the Big Mac "fodder," said the fries tasted like "cardboard," and called the eating environment at McDonald’s "alienating and vulgar." Other than that, how did you enjoy your meal, Edoardo? Over the years, P&J have eaten more food from McDonald’s than we care to admit, but we would have a tough time arguing with Signor Raspelli’s points. We can’t wait to hear how Mickey D. defends itself, unless it is to preach about the medicinal properties of their food, whose benefits we would equate with a pound-for-pound equivalent of a high-powered laxative. Good luck, Mayor McCheese, you’ve got quite a challenge on your hands. Next week in the Wall Street Journal: The joys of Olestra. Shock of the obvious Needless to say, P&J were shocked — shocked! — to see Sunday’s banner headline in the BeloJo: "Minorities more likely to be searched in traffic stops." Who would have thought it? Well, maybe every person of color in the state and those white folks who pay even minimal attention. But law enforcement officials from throughout the state had no explanation in the story for why, as the statistics indicated, this was indeed the case. They say they want to wait for the full report being done by a team from Northeastern University. Let P&J take a wild guess at what the final report will indicate — that racial profiling is indeed true. And then what will the law enforcement officials say? Maybe something along the lines of Ralph Kramden’s "homina, homina, homina," or perhaps Homer Simpson’s "D’oh!" As if that wasn’t enough of a shocker for one day, your superior correspondents turned to page two of Sunday’s O.P. to learn how (gasp!) actor Richard Chamberlain is acknowledging that he’s gay. What’s next? Several wealthy Rhode Island families admit their money originally came from slave trade? Madonna confesses she’s had sexual relations with numerous people whom she was not married to? The Urinal is trying to break the Newspaper Guild? We just don’t know how much longer our hearts can stand these wild revelations. Playing dirty We’re sick and tired of the whining of tedious right-wing morons about how the Senate Democrats continue to block the nomination of Miguel Estrada and a few other right-wing extremists whom Bushie Boy wants to add to the federal courts. They point out how hypocritical it is of the Dems, who took such self-righteous umbrage when the GOP used similar tactics against the Clinton Administration’s federal court choices, to turn around and do the same. Just get over it, right-wing warrior clowns! We won’t even bother to argue that Clinton’s court choices tended to be more middle-of-the-road than liberal or how, despite the hold-ups and filibusters, the majority of Bushie Boy’s nominees have been passed. What we will do, though is cut to the bottom line. So, the Republicans and the Democrats both engage in hardball politics, and both moan and wring their hands when the other side engages in underhanded behavior? So what? We’re sure that those who are calling out the Democrats on the blocking of the Estrada vote had no problem with the Republicans smearing John McCain in the 2000 South Carolina primary by highlighting his adoption of a "black baby" from Bangladesh. Hey, that’s just hardball politics, and as long as the right-wing triumphs, we don’t care what tactics they use. Well, we’re kind of looking at the Estrada nomination battle the same way. We don’t care about tactics. The only important thing is that we stop putting radicals on our higher courts. Looking carefully at the record; Anyone in their right mind must acknowledge that Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas hold views and have written decisions that are far more radical and extreme than those two bugaboos of the right, Earl Warren and William O. Douglass, ever did. So boo-hoo-hoo if talk show-nation thinks that the Democrats aren’t playing fair. We’d like to see ’em play as dirty as the right. Kudos and congrats . . . . . . to the Jamestown Town Council. According to stories in the Newport Daily News, it’s considering a resolution, drafted by Michael Larkin, to defy the outrageous USA Patriot Act. You know the USA Patriot Act, the Bush initiative passed by Congress that expands the government’s ability to conduct secret searches, allows the FBI access to medical and financial records, and even library book checkouts, in most cases without even evidence to support the searches. This insidious piece of legislation went into effect in October 2001, all in the name of keeping us safe from terrorism. But we, apparently like the good people of Jamestown, see this as a serious infringement of civil liberties with precious little to make us safer. At least 112 cities and towns throughout the country have passed similar resolutions, but this is the first such effort in the Biggest Little. The Jamestown resolution states that information about political, religious, or social views of individuals on the island would not be collected and requests that library records not be secretly accessed by federal agents. Let’s see some of our other cities and towns follow suit on this in true American style. Send lobsters and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com.
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