Top Gub BY PHILLIPE & JORGE

It has finally reached the point where there’s more "reality" in reality TV than in the administration of Boy George Bush.

Standing out among a host of charades and outright prevarications was Dubya’s jet fighter trip to the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln. He got all dressed up and was given, we suspect, a little set of wings to wear on his flight suit as he tore across the ocean to meet the carrier as it steamed home. Not to mention his delivery of a major speech to, literally, a captive audience predisposed to not worry its commander in chief with impertinent questions like, "How did that compare to your service in Vietnam, sir?" (It seems most Americans have forgotten that Dubya went missing from his National Guard duty in Alabama and one of Poppy’s military friends helped cover Sonny’s ass for him.)

Meanwhile, here’s a nice little list of other outright perversions of the truth that Dubya and his gang are foisting on the American public, without a whimper from their strange embedfellows in the media:

• The reason we attacked Iraq was because it had weapons of mass destruction, not for the oil. Er, found any WMDs yet, boys?

• Dubya’s education policy "Leaves No Child Behind." No, it just leaves states to figure out how to implement federal mandates while shutting down schools and ruining kids’ educational opportunities.

• Halliburton, on Dick Cheney’s watch, did not deal illegally with countries against which there were US sanctions. US Representative Henry Waxman just sent non-combatant Rummy Rumsfeld a letter pointing out this outright distortion of the truth and urging a Defense Department investigation. (And wasn’t it cute to see the septuagenarian invader and warmonger Rummy doing his little George Patton tank ride through Baghdad? Funny the media didn’t remind him that the last time he was cruising the Iraqi capital he was looking for a drink to wash the taste of Saddam Hussein’s rocket out of his mouth.)

• Boy George’s tax cut will "energize" the economy, help create jobs, and benefit middle-class families. This bullshit scam for Dubya’s millionaire pals no longer even passes the laugh test.

• Think New York City’s firefighters and police are heroes? Dubya doesn’t. Thanks to his shorting of NYC’s bravest and finest, and others involved with homeland security (honk!) across the country, we are living with an extremely false sense of security. (Or did you miss that story about how dozens of airport guards and luggage examiners are being laid off at T.F. Green Airport due to budget cuts?)

• Finally, we noticed that as Georgie Porgy glad-handed all the returning sailors and extolled their virtues as the pride of America, with their "mission accomplished," it apparently slipped his mind to mention how he’s proposing cuts in veterans’ benefits. That Dubya, sometimes he’d forget his head if it wasn’t screwed on. Isn’t he a sketch!

Georgie Porgy, telling a lie,

Put on a helmet and got to fly

When the Viet Cong came out to play

Georgy Porgy ran away

Top Gub, indeed.

(With apologies to both Mother Goose and Woody Allen.)

Rocco on a roll

It’s been a rough year so far for the Biggest Little, what with the tumbling economy, the war in Iraq and, most painfully, the Station fire casting a huge shadow over so many lives. But Rocco Baldelli’s growing name in Major League Baseball has been a real bright spot. From all appearances, Rocco is the real thing, with all the promise, talent, and grace of a young Joe DiMaggio. Yeah, we know that’s really saying something, but just take a look at the kid’s stats so far in his rookie year with the Devil Rays.

Here’s to the kid from Warwick. If you’re not a baseball fan, check him out anyway. He’s doing our state proud in a big way, and boy, do we need the lift. Somebody put a bug in the Red Sox’ ear about doing whatever they can to get Rocco back to New England, where he belongs. Wouldn’t that be a great thing?

Skid marks on a skunk, part 2

P&J feel it’s incumbent upon us to support the efforts of one of Vo Dilun’s most elegant and knowledgeable barristers to assume the position of high standing and recognition that he deserves. Yes, our full support to lawyer Brian Cunha, who is fighting to be named lead counsel in the multitude of lawsuits being filed in the wake of the Station fire.

Is there anyone more cut out to be top legal buzzard, excuse us, eagle, in a case like this than Mr. Cunha Esq.? The TV ad-obsessed mouthpiece has been among the most unctuous and obnoxious personal-injury attorneys in the area for years, hands down. Never mind the folks at d’Oliveira & Morgan. Hell, they use Robert Vaughn in their ads — what’s that all about, looking slicked up in a vest? People want a guy who will get down and dirty, and P&J are pretty sure Brian’s their man. Abrams and Verri wouldn’t dirty their trench-coats crawling around the same sewers. Maybe some people don’t like Mr. Cunha because he’s an old pal of our mutual friend, Buddy "Vincent A." Cianci, currently vacationing in New Jersey at the pleasure of the federal government.

Cunha. Brian Cunha. Lead counsel. Sleep tight, Little Rhody.

A classic Pawtucket crime

For many years now, Casa Diablo regular Joe Kernan has been writing the police reports for the Warwick Beacon and Cranston Herald. His police columns have gained distinction because he produces them with a high degree of artistry. We are sad to say, therefore, that Joe did not have the opportunity to get his teeth into this report, which we found in the Times of Pawtucket last Tuesday:

Police say a man wearing false breasts stopped the car he was driving to flash the breasts at women he saw on Lafayette Street Monday at 6 a.m. The man did not get out of his car, though he reportedly invited women to touch the false breasts. Police were provided a description of the man and the car he was driving.

We’re quite certain that if this crime had occurred in Warwick, Joe would have followed his report with some interviews of customers at the Hooters by the airport. Okay, Joe, you’re going to have to look for your Pulitzer elsewhere.

Quote of the week

Speaking of low IQs, such as Dubya’s, a May 4 article distributed by the Agence France-Presse (or is that Agence Freedom-Press?) was entitled, "Pentagon Dominates US Foreign Policy with Dubious Intelligence."

The piece led with the sentence, "US insistence that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction is based on dubious intelligence from a shadowy Pentagon committee that now dominates US foreign policy." It pointed out how the Pentagon’s Office of Special Plans (OSP), run by chicken hawk Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, is manipulating CIA intelligence reports and the like, simply to suit its version of the truth, even using info from the Iraqi National Congress to make its case.

A former CIA senior official with experience in the Mideast was quoted as telling reporter Seymour Hersh, "They were so crazed and far out and so difficult to reason with, to the point of being bizarre. Dogmatic, as if they were on a mission from God."

So US foreign intelligence is now being overseen by Rummy Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and Jake and Elwood Blues? "Chain of Fools" — hit it, Aretha.

Oh, that fine print

P&J haven’t trusted the Rhode Island Convention Center Authority’s plans to build a new hotel downtown since we learned that the developer — now the authority’s proposed partner — is Vinny "Family Man" Mesolella, former political hack and federal hillbilly. So we can’t say we were flabbergasted to see the following small item tucked into the very end of the Urinal’s April 30 article on this suspect venture:

"Mesolella would be paid a developer’s fee of up to 3.5 percent of the project cost, or a maximum of $2,275,000. The fee provision is explicit in the new agreement, but it was not mentioned in the previous agreement."

Just an oversight, we suspect. We would be appalled if anyone suggested that Family Man was trying to hide his actual take the first time around. Oh, and when it comes to the over/under on whether or not he clears the max, we’ll take the over.

City Hall confidential

While we continue to find more than enough reason to support the initiatives of Providence Mayor David Cicilline (and don’t worry David, we’re actively working on a nickname for you), we found it laughable when Hizzoner insisted that the recent layoffs of a number of longtime city workers had "nothing to do with politics." We’re referring to the recent departures of Nick Easton, Thomas O’Connor and Tom Glavin. These three extremely capable and knowledgeable city employees were all highly visible supporters of former mayor Joe Paolino in last year’s primary contest. (Disclosure: Jorge, who wrote this item, worked for the Paolino campaign.)

To the extent that the mayor didn’t call for their dismissals, we would agree. We fully believe the mayor when he says some of his top subordinates recommended the changes and that he was not intimately involved in the process. However, to believe that these top subordinates are not savvy political types, committed to having uber-loyalists in top positions, would be na•ve in the extreme. If there is retribution or payback to be exacted, the mayor’s top underlings are certainly capable of knowing how the political ball bounces.

As we have said many times, we think David Cicilline is a fabulous and extremely talented man, someone we’re fortunate to have as the mayor of our capital city. But we will tell him and The Don, the same thing — the campaign is over, don’t try to make believe that you’re not politicians, because it won’t fly. Not only that, but we need canny politicians in charge, since starry-eyed reformers are worthless. We believe David’s got the goods to make some serious improvements in the city. But no one with half a brain will believe that politics isn’t part of the mix.

If the shoe fits

Your superior correspondents’ eyebrows were raised a bit when we caught this press release on Monday:

Representative John Harwood (D-Dist. 59) received the Maj. Gen. Charles W.F. Dick Award, given annually to a state or federal legislator, in honor of many legislative advancements passed by the House of Representatives during his decade as Speaker of the House.

If anyone ever earned the Dick Award at Halitosis Hall, it’s got to be Johnny. Wonder if Wendy will be making the presentation?

Send grilling togs and Pulitzer-grade tips to p&j[a]phx.com